December 26, 2015

I was born December 26th and on this night 32 calendar years since I have been born, I feel joy and peace. It doesn't come from circumstances. In the past few weeks I have struggled with weakness and pain, and with missing my mom. Yet on this the night that I usually stay indoors and not talk to anybody, where God help anyone who tries to correct me. Tonight contentment and peace is within because my longing tonight are not for a desire for marriage and children but for God and that makes all the difference.
My prayer tonight is Psalm 27 and a large chunk of Psalm 63
One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD And to meditate in His temple.
O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water. Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, To see Your power and Your glory. Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips will praise You. So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.
When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches, For You have been my help, And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.

Tonight God graciously gave me preaching about prayer and beholding the glory of God. I am in anticipation of seeing Christ face to face and I wonder who am I that I would see Him.

A real Christmas

The reality of celebrating the life of Christ is in having the Word of God hidden within and having it flow it in praise and adoration.

As I sit awaiting the beginning of a Christmas eve service I am thinking of Scripture.

Isaiah 9
"The people who walk in darkness Will see a great light; Those who live in a dark land, The light will shine on them."

In this time when the world exults in their sin. Where there is a love of sin, and evil men boast in their evil. Where we take in iniquity and it in turn poisons our tongues causing it to become a venomous weapon, spewing out the dark contents of our blackened hearts.... Yet to those living in that darkness Christ has shone. Showing the reality of our state without the work of Christ. We in and of ourselves cannot make ourselves righteous before God. We need the work of another on our behalf.

Isaiah 9 again
For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace. There will be no end to the increase of His government or of peace, On the throne of David and over his kingdom, To establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness From then on and forevermore. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will accomplish this.

He came with the purpose to save us from the just penalty of our sin.

Isaiah 53
But the LORD was pleased To crush Him, putting Him to grief; If He would render Himself as a guilt offering, He will see His offspring, He will prolong His days, And the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in His hand. As a result of the anguish of His soul, He will see it and be satisfied; By His knowledge the Righteous One, My Servant, will justify the many, As He will bear their iniquities. Therefore, I will allot Him a portion with the great, And He will divide the booty with the strong; Because He poured out Himself to death, And was numbered with the transgressors; Yet He Himself bore the sin of many, And interceded for the transgressors.

In His suffering on our behalf, for our sin, and His perfect life given to us, we the guilty can be declared innocent upon God's work of salvation. Once we repent and believe, this begins a lifetime of growing in sanctification.

Ephesians 2
But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

Illness

2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

I am relying upon God because these past few days I have seen my weaknesses. I have been in pain unable to sleep so stuck on myself that seeing God has been hard.

Yet God has shown me my need of Him in all things. He helps me, He is who I have to rely on. I can't lay down. My stomach pains me. May God use this time to conform me to His image.

To Stay Christ Centered

This time of year its easy to set your mind on the latest gadgets, fashions, and knick knacks. To make of wish lists and send it to whoever may even slightly want to curry your favor by giving you what you want. To give something temporal when the soul longs for the eternal.

One verse that I come to again and again is this.

"And this is eternal life that they know you the one true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent."
John 17:3

There are others like.

2 Corinthians 3:18 NASB
But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

Philippians 4:8-9 NASB
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

We are in need of Christ, of seeing him, that in seeing we would become more like him.
I struggle during this time of year.

Thankfulness, Advent Season, and celebrating the Christ has come

Isaiah 9:2, 6-7 NASB
The people who walk in darkness Will see a great light; Those who live in a dark land, The light will shine on them...
For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.There will be no end to the increase of His government or of peace, On the throne of David and over his kingdom, To establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness From then on and forevermore. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will accomplish this.

This morning I woke up in a pique of self-indulgent 'I want it my way tantrum.' Thank God for a phone call from one dear friend that reminded me this day is not about me and what I want to accomplish but about God and having gratitude towards Him. Cultivating gratitude is not a once a year kind of thing but instead having been grounded upon the knowledge that He has not only provided me life, He has, through the work of His Son Jesus who is the Christ, paid the price for atoning for my sin! He has given me new life after all the evil that I have done giving me beauty for ashes. So instead of posting food pictures I have decided before Friday begins to do as the Psalmist did in Psalm 63, to meditate on His in the night.

Psalm 63:6-8 NASB
When I remember You on my bed,
I meditate on You in the night watches,
For You have been my help,
And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.
My soul clings to You;
Your right hand upholds me.

I am remembering a song called "Call to Advent" in which two songs are blended together with the men singing "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel", while the women sing, " Let all mortal flesh keep silent". This season has for a long time been one of disappointment not because of gifts but because I know, I know that this time to celebrate the birth of Christ should not be centered on material things but the worship of a God, who put on flesh, descending to Earth to live the sinless life that we could not, that Jesus would be that lamb who pays for our sin by laying down His life and bearing the wrath of the Father. This thinking over God, has made all these verses and songs and praise spring in my mind in quickfire bursts, yet with a clarity that God grants I see His tender mercies towards me though I am....me, small an insignificant sitting here, in the dark. Thanking God.

Unmeritted favour

Today I went to a wedding I think it's the second one this year. I am grateful to see God's hand in making it happen. I am seeking that God continue to help me to rejoice with others in times of celebration and to weep with others in their times of sorrow. I don't know how I feel right now. I am happy to see God at work. I guess I feel bereft. I can't truly connect. There is part of me..... God knows, God sees, God hears. Another holiday season coming up.

Filling a need

This has been on my mind and I am hoping that if this is a stumbling block that God will help you. Being single is hard yet its a gift. It means having more accountability, it means being more honest about where you are. God has been very gracious in that although there is a desire for a godly marriage and to have kids, I know that God will grant me grace.
I will speak of my heart at this time I am seeking that it not be bitterness that rises up. At times in churches as a single one feels like an outcast, that the next level of maturity is marriage. I was at a get together where the conversation was about jobs careers, kids and their rearing. Tell me what is a single girl to do? The love of God I am glad is different it is one that says though mother and father forsake me God will take me in. I have noticed that women in the world feel it worse in the misassumption that a companion, a husband, some kids will make you happy. If someone is looking for outside circumstances to finally grant you peace you are woefully mistaken. The reality of Christianity is that our worth is not of our own making, our joy is not because we are the pinnacle of success, instead it sees our own inadequacy and share that there is One who is worthy, worthy of knowing.
To the single women who know the Lord, who love Him though they have not seen Him, I pray that God be your rock, your fortress, your strong tower. That your eyes will not waver from the race set before you. That you not view your life as any less fruitful. Do not be stagnant but grow, in holiness, in knowledge of Him who laid down His Life for you. Love others and flee from the temptation to think that having attention from a man will make you happy.
I have all I need in Christ.

After the Cruise

I usually when on vacation I usually write something. The lessons were... I am sure the classes were great and taught technique but I couldn't get thrilled. I ended up spending most of my time in my room. I left for four things food, early morning devotions, two concerts, and to roam by myself the island of Nassau. I learned something though, the things of this world don't tempt me. There are stumbling blocks that the old me would love to hear, to do. God is stronger. So my vacation was a bust but what can I do? I am resolved to do something better with the funds God has provided.

A look at my life

I have been in really good conversations and am beginning to see how much people need the hope and the peace that comes with the salvation that comes from Jesus. Single and feeling lonely, no Christ is not a pill you take to feel all happy. What He does is share that there is hope, that He also felt anguish and pain, joy and love, and that our hope should not be set upon circumstances but instead to set out minds on the things above.
On Sunday I was convicted when a person mentioned bitterness as a sin. I have been bitter and at times its a wonder why lemon does not poor out from my pores. I was worse and God knows how many times I avoided children, couples be they courting or married. It is different now. I remember in the different weddings I went to I was so bad. Thank God I can finally go to weddings again, I remember one where I held a door closed while I.....
Lately I have been uncomfortable around guys. Letting people in is getting better but there are still some things where only me and God know.
This weekend I did open up about my frustration. I felt like a little kid unable to do something. I don't remember why though. My memory has been getting really bad.
My brother has been a help in all this because he cared enough to ask and gave me a hug when I need it. He is a real sweetie.
So I have a small group on Saturday and some Spanish speaking Christians I meet on Monday. On Monday we talked about the role of women. God knows that according to my rating system it is up there.
1) The Gospel
2) the nature of God, the bible
3) Relationships, Courtship, and marriage
4) What biblical manhood is
5) What the role of women is
So now you know.
On Saturday I met with my small group and really appreciated confession and prayer.
In the Christian walk what one has to look forward to is the growth. That we cultivate and stronger relationship with God. How one does that is through the means God has provided prayer, the Bible, and fellowship.
Look what they devoted themselves to in Acts.
Acts 2:42 NASB
They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.
I realize more and more that though one cannot neglect personal time with God, neither can one neglect corporate fellowship. It is a fine balance. One thing that has stuck with me that has been on my mind to be careful of and is the last verse in 1 John.
1 John 5:21 NASB
Little children, guard yourselves from idols.
I cling to knowledge that He who began a good work in me will complete it.

Using the word in the battle

I can't tell sometimes whether the battle is outside of me or inside me. At times it is clear but when it comes in the form of something I want I am left wondering of it is within. I read a few years ago a great book by someone I had the privilege to meet. The name of the book is Taking Up the Shield or something to that effect. It has been the only theological book I have been able to finish besides the Bible. It was based on Ephesians 6 the portion of scripture on taking up the full armour of God.

Ephesians 6:10-18 NASB
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING put ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  And take the HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints,

It is easy to think that not fighting will help but truly it won't. So if you are a sort of pacifist like me still take up the sword and shield its not only for men its for women too. By God's grace I strengthen by God, by all the armour He provides I can resist sin, the devil, and flee temptation.

My thoughts October 30, 2015

I slept early and am awake now. This weekend will be full, Saturday celebrating my nephew's birthday, going to a get together, small group, seeing my sister hopefully. On Sunday I will be in Stillwater to spend time with friends. I am praying that God may help me and guide. I have been blessed by friends and family. I have been feeling very restless I don't know what's wrong. I keep a lot of things unsaid.
Philippians 4:6-7 NASB
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Night

It's dark, and the good thing about this time where the moon is the light that shines is the promise of day. Of the long reach bands of light dispelling the shadows. Where crime is less likely to occur, where there is simple beauty. So here I am thinking about the inherent loveliness of purity and innocence. How being a virgin does not make a person pure. God can purity the most wretched sinner, by the blood of Jesus Christ. God can do that not only to someone like me but like everyone on this bus, from the self-righteousness to the idolater, from the little child to the wizened elderly. They need to hear about the holiness of God, the sinfulness of man, His just wrath against us, and that our only hope would be that Christ would take our punishment. That He who paid a debt not His would have it count for someone like me. Oh God that His laborers would preach His Word to the lost.
The scabbard and sword are there, if I would but pull it free from its place.
I hope to be home soon but in the meanwhile I will walk in His light though it be dark all around.

Awake

Was listening to a sermon by Steven Lawson about being a new creation. The sermon is entitled A New You. It brought to my attention that today I was acting more like the old me. God please help me. I was listening to reggeaton music, animosity in my heart toward men. What is wrong with me? Yet by God's grace I saw it and repent. God's word has been a lot on my mind. Being dead to sin but alive in Christ. My life being hidden with Christ. God has been good in washing me with His Word. He can save me from this body of flesh. So many of His promises are within reach.
Right now what comes to mind is two portions of scripture.
Colossians 3:2-3 NASB
Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
Philippians 4:8 NASB
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

For God Alone

Waiting for something I know is coming is easy for me because I know it shall be mine. Waiting for God is easy because something inside me says that I am His.
Impatience is an awful thing is it not bringing about envy and bitterness but their is hope for the believer in this "I want it now culture". God grants a great promise in Philippians 4:6-7 NASB
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
He can grant peace in the wait, in the anxious longing of one's heart, whether He grants the request it is according to God's will and I am writing this for my own benefit God brings about moment of great clarity at times that is a blessing. 
So today in in thinking about waiting whether it be for God as in Psalm 63 or for an unfulfilled hope may my heart and whoever else reads this be grant peace and patience in the wait. These are my thoughts in thinking about Psalm 62 (ESV)
1 For God alone my soul waits in silence;
    from him comes my salvation.
² He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

³ How long will all of you attack a man
    to batter him,
    like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
⁴ They only plan to thrust him down from his high position.
    They take pleasure in falsehood.
They bless with their mouths,
    but inwardly they curse.Selah

⁵ For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
    for my hope is from him.
⁶ He only is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
⁷ On God rests my salvation and my glory;
    my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

⁸ Trust in him at all times, O people;
    pour out your heart before him;
    God is a refuge for us. Selah

⁹ Those of low estate are but a breath;
    those of high estate are a delusion;
in the balances they go up;
    they are together lighter than a breath.
¹⁰ Put no trust in extortion;
    set no vain hopes on robbery;
    if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

¹¹ Once God has spoken;
    twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God,
¹²     and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man
    according to his work.

The evil of evil and my sinful flesh

I have decided to write something person out of my day to day life that one would see the depravity of man, and how long I still have to go. I have a Christian Spanish Group I meet with on Mondays. It's great, it causes me to really think. Today it was light hearted we played Taboo. I digress. After this I waited on the corner of 3rd Ave. S. and 4th St. S. in downtown. While there a newer model minivan followed a lady with a child with a stroller while she yelled. "Stop stalking me!"
Then once I was on the bus a large young man kept harassing a young lady. He was belligerent and hated authority. I got so mad but I didn't say a word. We all hated what he was doing. Then an older man said something to the young man. When the guy tried to instigate a fight with the older guy a lot of people on the bus got in between him and the older man.
I got off the bus with the older man, so angry so emotional. Usually I feel tough, yesterday I felt small and weak, but so mad.

My prayer

God you see me and know me. From head to foot. And here I am, unknowing where I will be or where I will go. God You have been good to me and no matter how far away I go, you are there. You are sovereign knowing the end from the beginning. God give me a faith and trust that no matter how hard things get, or how people mock when I share my longings. God I place them before you, do with them what you will. In the end I wait upon you. With you and I, I want it to be like this.
"Who is this coming up from the wilderness Leaning on her beloved?"
"Put me like a seal  over your heart, Like a seal on your arm."

Ministry

In the Christian walk, works show that a person is saved, yet salvation will never be a result of works, at least not our own work. Our works cannot atone for our sin, and self-righteousness is a sin because it tells Jesus Christ we have no need for his work. God has given me the opportunity to serve while I work. I get to meet people to speak to them to offer counsel, all the while showing them the love of God. I thank God for this job.

In my happy place

I was not feeling well two days ago and wanted to curl up into a ball and hide away from the world. I wanted to imagine myself far away. I wonder if it's okay in God's eye to do that, to for a moment escape from my circumstances.
I have been thinking a lot about Christian Community, about life, and about the love of God toward a believer.
The church in Acts was not perfect as the letters Paul write can attest. It can though teach us some things. We are to have all things in common not meaning that we look the same, or have the same background but that in the end we are the body of Christ and what we have is not really our own. They prayed together, and broke bread together.
My life is pretty quiet. I go to work at times do an activity in the afternoon or evening then go home. I don't usually stay out past 10, unless I am on my way home. I don't like have to much idle time because I know the temptation to use that time for evil. It has taken much time and effort to gain contentment. I find that if I humble my self and bare my scars and sorrows to God, He can heal them.
I have been thinking about the love of God. It's different than man's idea of love. I don't have to look a certain way. I don't have to pretend to be different, instead I can joke, and can coo at babies, I can have the lopsided awful looking afro I wake up with and He would still find me lovely not because of me but because of Jesus Christ.
I woke up this morning with much to think about and if I did not know that God will get the glory I would still be in a fetal position on my bed. Thank God.

To share

Close family knows somewhat of my past since they were part of it. They see my carelessness, my stubbornness, and my somewhat unladylike tendencies. Friends from church and friends at work see my utter need of God. I ask for that as a constant prayer needs, at work they hear me pray constantly, "God help me." Acquaintances will hear me laugh, will see my silence, will see my discomfort when I feel out of my comfort zone. There are those who have shared with me special moments, cooking together, doing hair for weddings, helped decorate for weddings, worshipped together, witnessed together, prayed together, comforted me in my tears, shared meals together. Then there is one who has been with me since the beginning, He has been privy to my thoughts, watched me where no one else could see. He has been my fortress, my strong tower, my heavenly Father, and my hope. I have been blessed, I have no need. To Him I belong.
May gratitude result in praise. May deep sorrow result in praise. May this life bring glory to my God.

Vacation from life as I know it

I am a homebody. Hard to believe I am sure. I flitted to and fro finding so many things to do to fill up my time. If I slow down what will I find. I have loved my time here like I usually love everywhere I go and so Toronto will join the list.   Of special places I love to go when I am weary. I was able to do so many things. Catch a flower thrown by a galant night, spent time with a friend, shared the Gospel, spent time with God. Tomorrow I will head back leaving this special place. I love going back, at least that's the good thing about returning home. It's disorienting to come back and find that things stayed the same.

Toronto: Day 1 and morning Day 2

I woke up at 1 am on the day I was to leave for Toronto. I was missing a few items and people at my job were excited for me. Away from the daily routine even though I love my job and coworkers. I am a last minute kind of person when packing but plan months in advance when going away. When my brother came back from Toronto I thought I want to go to. So here I am. Yesterday was a mess I go here at 10 and thought to go to the grocery store but my backpack was too heavy. I wandered aimlessly no signal on my phone (boost should be in Canada too). I took the bus to Kipling, then transfered to the subway to get to Union Station in the heart of Toronto. In this city 6-7 million people live there. The crosswalks are huge. The bus system since I don't drive is amazing. They have a mix of buses, subway, and streetcar. Once downtown I was going to find a McDonalds just to find something cheap to eat. Then I  wound up finding a sushi place. My sisters would love this place which is called Bento Box. Then I headed back to Union station to seriously search for the Clarence Park. I asked the TTC worker if he knew where. Thank God the station had WiFi. I was able to get general direction where it was bus not specifics. I then proceeded to ask a guy at the bus stop. The guy decided to try to flirt and I flitted away. I would up getting lost but as we were passing God in His many kindnesses decided to have me look and we passed Clarence Square Park. I went down about 5 more stops before I thought to get off and look more closely at the park to see if it was near where I needed to go. God is so good. The place is nice. I am staying at a hostel and sharing a room with 7 other girls. I wound up at nice thinking that I could check out a dance class while I was here. I looked at the dance and decided against it. The good thing was that there was a market on the ground floor.
I used the subway system from Kipling to Union, then from King to North York so basically going to most of the stops on the subway system.
Now to talk about this morning. God is so good to me in that as I met with Him this morning in His Word. He impressed in me again the importance of Christian community. Having people to pray for you, to encourage you, to speak the word to you. It is a good thing. May God the ruler of heaven and earth show you more of himself in His Word.

When darkness falls

The day breaks, sunlight streams in illuminating me, my curly fro, round face, hollows under my eyes but glad it's morning
The day wears on and the bright blue of day gives way to the indigo of night
I am looking
" Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away, Turn, my beloved"
I will be here not to be found in rags of my doing but clothed in the robes of your righteousness.
For now though the night sky is said to veil you
I find during this time crickets chirping about, the streetlight casting some light upon me I meditate on your goodness, your faithfulness, who you are, what you have done.
I find you in the midst of moonlight and stars
Within this temple of clay
Flesh and bone you knitted
The Spirit soars within remembering your word.
I remember and bless Your Name

In Psalms

Psalm 63:6 NASB
When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches,

Psalm 19:2 NASB
Day to day pours forth speech, And night to night reveals knowledge.

Psalm 42:8 NASB
The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And His song will be with me in the night, A prayer to the God of my life.

Psalm 77:6 NASB
I will remember my song in the night; I will meditate with my heart, And my spirit ponders:

Psalm 119:55 NASB
O LORD, I remember Your name in the night, And keep Your law.

Thoughts about today

What woke me up out of a sound sleep this evening was the boom of the TV.

Today was such a blessing this morning I woke up got ready and was able to meet a dear sister in North Saint Paul passing by on the way by where my sister lives in Saint Paul. Love you Engadi. My heart was set to meet with the Lord today. I was honored to worship in a smaller church in Stillwater. Me and this sister worshipped together, talked, ate, walked, prayed. It was a blessing to spend time with her and I was able to be myself kooky and weird as I am. Thank You God for granting me her in my life.
Maybe coffee drinkers will get this analogy, its like a coffee addict drinking a sip of hot bitter brew after a long dry spell.
This prayer is born out of that fellowship.
God search my heart, reveal any sin within me. Please grant me humility to confess sin. Show me more of Yourself. I am here before You, You see my struggles, You know my thoughts. Please satisfy Your people with Good. You say from the least to the greatest shall know You. Please grant me more of those times with other believers. God my life is in Your hands. Amen.

The deceitfulness of sin

"Do you love me?" Jesus says those words to Simon after being denied being known by him three times. Yet the bible is clear about what we as believers are supposed to do if we love God.
2 John 1:6 NASB
And this is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, that you should walk in it.
John 14:15 NASB
"If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.

Our conscience bears witness as to whether we are in sin or not, and if our conscience is seared or hardened, we are in a trouble. Our hardened hearts will seek life in sin and our condemnation is worse.
Unfortunately in modern "christianity" it is a no go zone. I put it that way because if it is not the Christian walk according to the bible then can one really say they are following Christ?
There are some misconceptions when it comes to sin, and I want to confront it with the truth of the bible.

1) It does not hurt anyone.

Romans 6:23 NASB
For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2) No one has any right to confront me.

Matthew 18:15-17 NASB
"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
1 John 5:16-17 NASB
If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not leading to death, he shall ask and God will for him give life to those who commit sin not leading to death. There is a sin leading to death; I do not say that he should make request for this. All unrighteousness is sin, and there is a sin not leading to death.
Proverbs 27:5-6 NASB
Better is open rebuke Than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.

3) As long as I don't hear that it's wrong as long as I don't read it in the bible I am good.

Romans 2:14-16 NASB
For when Gentiles who do not have the Law do instinctively the things of the Law, these, not having the Law, are a law to themselves, in that they show the work of the Law written in their hearts, their conscience bearing witness and their thoughts alternately accusing or else defending them, on the day when, according to my gospel, God will judge the secrets of men through Christ Jesus.

As Christians we have to wage battle against sin. We have to grown in holiness. Day by day I want to be conformed to the image of Christ.

A woman of prayer

I have found that on my days when I am overwhelmed by the felt presence of God I write. I was going to write on my prayer life when I opened John Bunyan's book on prayer I saw a message I wrote to myself which says "lay hold of the throne of grace". I find myself sometimes struck at how God works through me.... I am inadequate, small yet God sees fit to look upon me.
The reason I was looking into John Bunyan's book was because where he writes the meaning of prayer when I read it when I first got it struck me.
" Prayer is a sincere, sensible, affectionate pouring out of the heart or soul to God, through Christ, in the strength and assistance of the Holy Spirit, for such things as God has promised, or according to his Word, for the good of the church, with submission in faith to the will of God."
When I pray with people God gives me scripture that at needed to be heard. In private its usually me taking a walk and talking to God. I have no closet (I wish sometimes I did). Sometimes God feels so close I feel that if I reach out my hand as I walk He will take mine in His.
I love prayer because God hears as it says in the Psalms
Psalm 34:4-7 NASB
I sought the LORD, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears.
They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces will never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him And saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them.

I know that the way I walk with the Lord is not the standard. Frankly my friends God bless them are such an encouragement to me. They seek to walk in His Ways whatever role God has given them. It's amazing to see how God has grown them. God in his mercy even despite my time in sin has grown me too.

I used to meet up with a group on Fridays, it was a prayer group. We with one heart sought Him, wanted more of Him, wanted revival to come to come to our church.
He met us, He met us. It wasn't really planned it was just prayer and worship, and the scriptures used to exhort one another.

Frankly my simple prayer right now is that God's will be done, and that He no matter what the circumstance will meet me to provide instruction, reproof, and His shelter. I want to abide in Him and He in me, whatever in life happens. God take this life, its not mine but yours to do with as you will.

Now in reading reading this portion from Psalm 18, hopefully it will encourage more prayer.
Psalm 18:6-19 NASB
In my distress I called upon the LORD,
And cried to my God for help;
He heard my voice out of His temple,
And my cry for help before Him came into His ears.
Then the earth shook and quaked;
And the foundations of the mountains were trembling
And were shaken, because He was angry.
Smoke went up out of His nostrils,
And fire from His mouth devoured;
Coals were kindled by it.
He bowed the heavens also, and came down
With thick darkness under His feet.
He rode upon a cherub and flew;
And He sped upon the wings of the wind.
He made darkness His hiding place,
His canopy around Him,
Darkness of waters, thick clouds of the skies.
From the brightness before Him passed His thick clouds,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
The LORD also thundered in the heavens,
And the Most High uttered His voice,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
He sent out His arrows, and scattered them,
And lightning flashes in abundance, and routed them.
Then the channels of water appeared,
And the foundations of the world were laid bare
At Your rebuke, O LORD,
At the blast of the breath of Your nostrils.
He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
And from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the LORD was my stay.
He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me.

Legacy Conference-Thoughts

It took place in Chicago last week. I am still processing over what happened. I headed out Wednesday Morning on the 22nd. It was a very long bus ride but it was enjoyable, a time for laughing and cracking jokes. It was cool. My problem was that my backpack had me feeling like I was a Sherpa. That first night I was able to get to see new books, I bought one about John Knox, the other was on prayer. The group that was there worshipped together and afterwards had a few icebreakers. I heard from a lot of organizations and Universities that were trying to make Christ known through their work.
On the 23rd we had morning devotions on the benediction at the end of Jude I think. It had been such  blessing. I wish I could have recorded everything. There was a lot of teaching and poetry.
What I go from everything is that faith in Christ should from the inside out. Knowledge of God should make us want to tell more people, make disciples, a passion for Christ needs to be spread because God is worthy.
I was blessed by my time there and got to see some old friends. I got to meet a Wretched radio friend face to face.
May God work in me.

Raindrops keep falling

Today is strange because for some reason, I feel like a beloved bride. This is weird I know. I will list the reasons why.

-The rain reminds me of Ephesians 5 where it says.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word...

Rain makes me feel clean.

-The bible

Two verses came to my mind this morning

Psalm 45:10-11 NASB
Listen, O daughter, give attention and incline your ear: Forget your people and your father's house; Then the King will desire your beauty. Because He is your Lord, bow down to Him.

Song of Solomon 2:10 NASB
"My beloved responded and said to me, 'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, And come along.

- a peace that surpasses understanding.
(Circumstances that came about yesterday)

Philippians 4:6-7 NASB
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

John 14:27 NASB
Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

I feel loved today and it's not that I do not feel loved others days but today it has been brought to mind anew.

I am seeking that anew my heart be drawn to the Lord. He being to me as Psalm 45 says.

My heart overflows with a good theme; I address my verses to the King; My tongue is the pen of a ready writer. You are fairer than the sons of men; Grace is poured upon Your lips; Therefore God has blessed You forever.

Taking me back

A while ago I fleed and sought to hide from my kin
Yet You were there at the tarmack to slice through my skin
Using solely Your word
Knowing even before I heard
Fear had me running away
Shame had its say that day
I sought that no one should see
The sin that I strived hide
Bided its time that it would
Come teeth bared
Knowing it's next meal was me
I played dead
Isn't that what one is supposed to do with a predator
For almost a year I let it gnaw
After a year I still bawl
Salty streams
Flowing forth hidden rivers
Of bitter tears
Peter my kinsman
Cause I denied your power
That if I resist satan would flee
And I would finally be
Free
Then the Beloved led me, and I leaned upon Him still hurt from the battle
Returning to my kinsmen

Public and Private Holiness-workshop notes

When thinking about holiness think set apart very unlike society, goodness, perfection, no blemish. I think of being pure in thought, in actions, in private and public. It also means being consumed by a pupose, a cause. It is about being good and wanting to see others have that good.
People think of holiness as being sanctimonious, of being holier-than-thou, of being hypocritical because they are unable to follow all the rules.

I am taught about holiness from the word of God.

1 Peter 1:13-16 NASB
Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior;  because it is written, "You SHALL BE HOLY, FOR I AM HOLY."

Holiness is God's primary attribute.
Covenant is a legal agreement between two parties. His covenant with us assured us of our sanctification.

Christians have a calling to be holy. People of God are called saints "holy ones". Ex. 1 Corinthians 1:2 NASB To the church of God which is at Corinth, to those who have been sanctified in Christ Jesus, saints by calling, with all who in every place call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, their Lord and ours:
We are holy and being progressively made holy (sanctification).

Holiness as seen in different denominations

Lutheran: The art of getting used to Justification, our work

Reformed: Becoming like Christ, sin is no longer our master, able to obey by the power of the Spirit

Romans 12:1-2 NASB
Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
Wesleyan: becoming in reality what is already ours in Christ Jesus. A 2 stage view of holiness.

1) Conversion

2) Experience by the spirit complete sanctification, sinlessness

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 NASB
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

What I have learned

This walk is hard. You battle against the world, against non-believers, against one's own flesh. I have learned many things,that if I were to get married,  would benefit a husband. The reality is that my greatest joys and triumphs were not learning to cook, or crochet, or to sew, but were learning from the Word of God, the riches of glory afforded to His adopted children by knowing His Son Jesus who is the Christ. Through Jesus one can know the Father and through  Christ we can ask of the Father according to His will and He will provide.
I am now reading the biography of Hudson Taylor. I have been interested in mission work for the longest time. How many times have I gone so far away only to pray that God by His Spirit will move on a people to make much of Him. I by His grace serve the Living God, the Only True God. As time winds down for me to go to Chicago I pray that this will be a time to seek the Lord.
"Draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you, resist the devil and he shall flee."

Really?

Tonight by the grace of God I was awake during the sermon. It was a time to praise and worship God. I had been praying that the prayer of repentance would calls to repentance more sins. God heard my prayer. God is answering my prayers. Then singleness was talked about and my gut reaction was I don't want to hear it, though I was the one who suggested it. It made me think. I pray that God may grant me discernment as to whether I am sad because of my sin or whether the sorrow is just a trial issue. May God provide help with that.
Now as to the reason why I started writing today started off bad. I was grieving over life events and a tension headache ensued, some things were accomplished. Then I received it a text. The past came back to haunt me. I knew what the other person wanted but that Janette Iks poem  "I will wait" comes to mind right now about wanting to make a guy the one though his first name was Luke and his last name was Warm. So I asked for forgiveness about the past and with it came this sense that it was finally over.
This day in the end I hope will remind me that though I live in a fallen world. Where there is sin and darkness. There is a light and the darkness has not overcome it. May Jesus the light of the world shine a light within me and around me. To God be the glory.

Glitter

I am sitting at work looking all polished up my new dress looking all pretty but I am no different inside than the last two days though the last two days I was wearing t shirts and pants. I had my hair pulled back into a ponytail. Frankly the exterior can lie, one can look all polished and lovely but it could be fake. Just like one can fake it through a situation, so can one's veneer pass for the real deal.
For a long time and in some situations even now I just tend to put myself into group social things and at times it is not hard to be in them, but tough to just be my normal obnoxious self. I have been very moody lately but I am thankful that God has changed my health situations. That though I feel overwhelmed I was to lean on Him.

True Revival Born out of Sincere Devotion

When I was 22 God met me while I was shelving books at Wilson Library on the University of Minnesota Twin Cities Campus. I had been trying on my own strength for years to be free of sin, depression, loneliness, and a great fear of man. That they would reject me once they knew my struggles, the depth of bitterness within, and the willingness to hit low and hurt others just to feel superior. God was gracious to me and thus at the time that He saved me I had a zeal and a fire within that was almost put out upon comparing myself to people surrounding me at the time. I was viewed as a radical, fanatic, and by some a killjoy.

I didn't want to listen to secular music, still don't. Don't want to watch TV or devote too much time to it. I wanted to evangelize, and ended up reading the whole bible in a year and a half. Was seeking modesty, am still seeking it.

Yet I saw people who did much of what the world does and I decided for a time not to bother with the Christian life. By God's Spirit I was convicted and have sought not only to be as in love with the All Sufficient God as I was in the beginning but to be even more so.

So I seek to read the word, to meditate upon it, to pray, to sing praises, and to make His name known. I know that the walk is not always the same but the direction is towards sanctification. I seek also to fellowship with like-minded believers and to renounce all worldly things that seek to take my attention from the one true God.

So I hope to run the race as to gain the price of the upward call of Christ.
This does not mean to live a dry boring life but should be fun and satisfying with struggles, and good times, happiness, laughter and sorrows.

The bible is clear as to ones walk and what a believer seeks.

Portion out of Psalm 63

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips will praise You.
So I will bless You as long as I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed,
I meditate on You in the night watches,
For You have been my help,
And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.
My soul clings to You;
Your right hand upholds me.




Portion from Psalm 67
God be gracious to us and bless us,
And cause His face to shine upon us—
That Your way may be known on the earth,
Your salvation among all nations.




Portion from 1 Thessalonians 5
But we request of you, brethren, that you appreciate those who diligently labor among you, and have charge over you in the Lord and give you instruction, and that you esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Live in peace with one another. We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.  Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit; do not despise prophetic utterances. But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every form of evil.
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.
Brethren, pray for us.
The one that I was reminded of this morning was a Portion from Romans 12
Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Struggling for purchase, a foothold

In the midst of this darkened room, remembering today the struggles, the highlights.
This morning when I awoke I did not want to go anywhere I did not want to do anything. All I truly wanted to do was have a pity party, poor me. Yet maybe God wanted me somewhere else than my plans.
So instead of going the soccer game that I really wanted to go to I sought to stay home. Then I either called my sister or she called me, and she invited me to church. God must have wanted me there because in less than an hour she and I were on our way. It was wonderful to worship God, to seek Him. Then we heard testimonies from those in Minnesota Teen Challenge, how God can set the sinner free. Afterwards we had lunch but the real struggle came when I got home.
My mind was flooded with different portions or written porn I had read in the past. I fought it. Then the other temptations came demanding me to give in. Thanks be to God He provided a way out.
Then tonight He met me. Songs flooded, scripture came to mind, and I am so thankful that sin did not devour me and its all due to God.
"You are are all in all. Jesus, Lamb of God worthy is Your Name..."

The Light Shines in the Darkness

One thing I cling to in the Christian faith is that Christ has overcome the darkness. For me temptation comes in coveting and gluttony, and romance novels. These I struggle against and by God's grace I am having victory as far as my thought life and reading romance novels. I am struggling with eating and coveting but I am by the grace of God fighting. God has a way of calling attention to the sin. So I will seek holiness and sanctification.

Now, little children, abide in Him, so that when He appears, we may have confidence and not shrink away from Him in shame at His coming.  If you know that He is righteous, you know that everyone also who practices righteousness is born of Him.

June 30-July 1, 2015

What can I say? It has been such a blessing to be given a platform on which to share the Gospel. I am not super spiritual, I am seeking sanctification but am always seeing my sin. My pratfalls in the faith. Yesterday I was able to have fun with my sisters. I probably did not use my words to benefit my older sister. Ephesians 5. Afterwards I just was able to clearly give out the Gospel if not feeling that I probably rushed it. Hopefully an unbeliever will hear it. Am excited about Legacy coming up.

Bringing ugliness to God

Matthew 8:2-3 NASB
And a leper came to Him and bowed down before Him, and said, "Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean." Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, saying, "I am willing; be cleansed." And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.

I did not want to see anyone. I did not want to be emotional or vulnerable so I went home. I instead set myself to clean. Maybe my surroundings the untidiness, uncaring of things are a reflection of the clutter within me.
I had set myself for so long to learn skills principles but the most needed thing was for God to do a work within.

I has been reading 1 Timothy and it was a blessing what I learned I am a woman and what it teaches I will seek to pray to God for the supernatural power to change.

1 Timothy 2:9-11 NASB
Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness. A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness.

As days goes by I realize more and more that God uses His word to convict to teach to remind me of who He is and why I should lay my life before Him. There is much to be learned the longer I walk with God.

The Everyday

For those of you who know me personally you know that I seek to always at work be a kind friendly face trying first and foremost to help patients but uphold the rules. There are days when I am impatient and tired, yet God has shown me even then though I not feel like it I have to love others more than myself.
I have been working for more than 14 years. I have worked part-time, I have worked full-time, from fast food to office work. Right now I am blessed to be here though my passion is for the spreading of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Today has been hard in that I am out of my comfort zone and interaction with others is not like it usually is. I realize that though I tell a lot of people I am introverted the reality is that I am very much an extroverted loud, weird, goofball, I don't act like myself around certain people. I do not know if it stems from sin. The loud boisterous, I am happy and I don't care that you do not like it, attitude suddenly becomes withdrawn and surly. Could it be a cultural thing, feeling inadequate because the others may have that suburban middle class background that I definitely do not have.
I have always found it hard to share with others. There has only been only up to a certain point I can share. In dancing reigning in one's movement can hamper the beauty of the dance. In life not letting people in has resulted in me withdrawing to the point that I can go for a long time without seeing people.
God please help me to be honest and forthright about my walk, about who I am. Help me to walk in the light as you are in the light so that any good work that you do in me will be shown to others to come from You.


Later peoples...


Levi

Looking Good for the Glory of God

1 Peter 3:3-5 NASB

Your adornment must not be merely external-braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands;

So I was talking to my sister Sammy. About how a person should look. We have differing views. On what we should wear and so on. I am more long flowing skirts and trying to wear modest tops. I am not against makeup or doing ones hair. I will be truthful I just like looking more natural. Yes there are times I do my hair and wear makeup, but I do not want a person to be drawn to that. Instead I want someone who sees the inner person a woman who fears the Lord that is worth far more than rubies. I do get my sister's point of view.

Thoughts of yesterday May 29, 2015

I am so thankful for the friendships I have made at work. For the sincere affection I have for the women there. I am grateful to be where I am in life. Working hard and providing for my family paying off debts and able to travel. God has been so merciful to me and let me recount some of his tender mercies towards me.

1) fellowship with God
2) church family that encourages
3) family
4) friends
5) opportunities to serve
6) for love that you supply for others
7) that you have shown me who you are through your word
8) that there is no greater love but this that a man should lay down his life for his friends
9) your kindness you have provided for me, cared for me, love me, and more than anything you have changed me for the better

There are so many things, moments, and you answered my prayers.
It's weird because I has started this post to share about my evening yesterday. I was very thankful for the friendship I have with my boss and her sister. I went to a bridal shower. I was thankful for the chance to serve. I was out of my element yesterday, but it made me realize as usual that I want to be a light in the world. By God's grace I want to shine the light of Jesus Christ in all places.
I thank you God, because you have not left me alone, because you are the one who can change a person, because you have shown me so much mercy. I still don't understand why you would have so much kindness to a person like me. Even in my walk I have gone up and down, and had so much bitterness against you. You did not treat me according to what I've done but instead revealed your character. You are faithful when I am NOT faithful because you cannot deny who you are, the faithful God. Be with your children those who by their fruit, by reflecting your Son Jesus Christ show they are yours. Grow them up Lord, reveal your glory! You and strong and mighty shaking the foundations of the world when you remove the veil. To you belongs the Glory, the Honor, You have Dominion over all things Amen.

The Dangers of Television

I live with my family and it is so easy for them to sit in front of the TV for hours. I can't because I have been convicted by many of the things on TV. Whenever I watch something I ask myself. "Does it glorify sin?", "Does it blaspheme God?", "Does it use profane language?", "Is the humor crude and vulgar?". Because of this only once in a while do I watch something and its usually a kids movie.
What does watching television do? I portrays sin with humor and nonchalance. The humor is often sexual. It does not compel a person to seek Christ. It deadens one's conscience.
So I flee but I must admit I did go to the last Fast and Furious movie that I might spend time with my brother, but I sincerely hated that movie. I love my family, I just can't watch what they do. So I find myself crocheting in a quiet room. Spending my quiet time with the Lord there. I am glad that my peace rests on Christ and not on man. It is well with my soul. I just pray that people would see the glory of God and that it would make this song true for them.

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

Refrain

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Refrain

A song in my heart

Ephesians 5:18-21 NASB
And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Colossians 3:15-17 NASB
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.  Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.  Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

Yesterday night after cooking and the television was off a lot of hymns came to my mind. Great is Thy Faithfulness, How Great Thou Art, and others, I am thankful that at this time we have such rich songs by which one can hear the attributes and worship a Great God, the One True God, The three and yet one Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

When my soul is troubled I find my help in Christ. "I lift my eyes to the hills..." Psalm 121. "Lift me to the Rock that is higher than I..." Psalm 61.

I am including the lyrics below that whoever sees may sing this and be encouraged in the Lord.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus' Name.

Refrain
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

Refrain

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

Refrain

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain

To gain wisdom

So teach us to number our days
    that we may get a heart of wisdom.

I have been thinking a lot about death about living life without regrets that I was not able to serve God as I should. I have been very contemplative over a lot of things. I do not want my thinking to lead me to sin but when I look at all those things I am daunted and feel overwhelmed.

I guess I will just ask the Lord for this and wait upon the Lord.

Let your work be shown to your servants,
    and your glorious power to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
    and establish the work of our hands upon us;
    yes, establish the work of our hands!

A struggle

God does not lack in any way just because I am not married. Just because I am single does not make Him any less good, any less kind, any less merciful because of the work He did on the cross on behalf of his bride.

So where does that leave me. I struggle and I hate absolutely hate to talk about it because I have mentioned it before. I don't want to hear that same advice as I have heard time and time again. I know people mean well but sometimes I just want someone who truly understands to point me to Christ, to pray together, Its a hard thing to find.

Lamb

When I was younger probably a teenager I received an adorable little lamb. It had been at the time one of my favorite possessions. A little off white/slightly grayish tone young skinny lamb with blue feet.
What reminded me of it today was a fictional book I read years ago about a boy with Down's syndrome who gave as a wedding gift a similar lamb tied to a cross cut open with a protrusion of flowers where the wound was held by the tie. It was to symbolize Christ dying on the cross for the Christian couple who got married.
God, Jesus the God man was slain by the Father for our punishment. He paid the penalty for the sin of His blood-bought people. Yet he was not like the religious figures of other religions, Buddha, Gandhi, Muhammad, `Abdu'l-Bahá, Haile Selassie I, who died and went to the grave. Christ rose from the dead in a glorified body. Then he ascended to heaven as witnessed by the disciples and others, yet promised He would return. His promise is faithful.
So as I ponder my stuffed lamb and the real Lamb of God I am just pensive.
May the Lamb the was slain receive the reward of His suffering.

Sin and repentance

God illuminates the darkness both outside and within. Psalm 51 really makes one see the sin within. God please create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.
I am on the bus and God is confronting me over my sin.

Calibre

I have seen something change in me.

Time has passed and people have grown and changed and I have seen God work in their lives. I had believed that I am not changing that I am not growing yet while I was not looking something has been going on within me. Instead of being halfhearted with my efforts to seek holiness it has been good.

Christ is my all-sufficient God, who treats me not like man does.

Hidden

I hide a lot of aspect of my personality. To a select few I let them see a little more. God sees all. Today I left home early, at home they see my annoying side, the nurturing side. They are great I just can't stand the drone of the TV. I hate Spanish soap operas. I hate westerns. For me its a snare and I don't want to watch something that God hates. Something that glorifies sin is not something a child of God should watch right? Anyway as I have escaped to a quiet place I want to remain to sleep and rest. I like company but of a particular sort where we could be quiet but it's okay. Where there are times of joking and its okay. Where we can be serious and we spur one another to good works. I just hate the din and the noise. There is a sense where I want the Christian life to reflect more of the first believers. I read the book These are the generations and I was astounded by the faith of these believers. I want to have faith like that.

Faithful

1 John 1:9 NASB
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

So much time has past and I am sure the last time I wrote an entry I was in Thailand. Four weeks during which their have been highs and lows. Sin at the door and me in my futility and pride letting it run roughshod o'er me. Anyway I have been thinking and thinking. About the lives of Christians around the world and how strong they are in their faith because where they live all they have is Christ and their faith is all the more beautiful because of that. Yet God is faithful. In this country with all its trappings their are people who did to this world and live for Christ. I love that.
God help me, please help me that I may run this race well.

Lesson from Godly Believers

It has been a learning experience for me to see the faith of these men and women. It is easy living in America to wear the mantle of Christianity without a full understanding to what kind of life God calls us to.

Luke 9:23 NASB
And He was saying to them all, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.

1 Peter 1:6-7 NASB
In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;

2 Corinthians 4:7-10 NASB
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

Yet we live as a true born-again Christian, life filled with trials and tribulations why? Is it because we are afraid of hell and heaven sounds better that eternal punishment? Is it because we are allowed to live with grace for a lifestyle of sin? No. Its because Jesus Christ our Lord, Saviour, and God is worthy.

Philippians 3:7-14 NASB
But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

The more time I am here I see the reality of God's call to die to myself, and follow him.

Serving to honor God

The weird thing about this time to serve the kingdom of God has been that it is filling me up with praise. Has me crying out to God knowing that He will answer and I an excited. God has been working on me for months and I am more amazed by missions. After finishing the book about John and Betty Stam. I want to give my life away that Christ may be known amongst a people who have never heard the gospel or have opposition to it. John and Betty Stam had such a burden to proclaim the Gospel to the Chinese. They had itinerations where they would go villages and speak in the streets, hand out tracts, give teaching in inns and chapels, and meeting places. They traveled by foot from town to town and did the hard work. Then they were killed by communist soldiers. May God show me what he wants to do in my life. Whether he wants me to stay or go?

To God be the Glory.

Thailand rest of day 3 and early morning 4

We have devotions every morning. We spent time doing a prayer walk around the hotel. The biggest need would be that Christ may fill the people up that they be poored out for the cause of Christ. We walked through the city and saw so many temples, so much darkness. I wish I had an interpreter with me. Oh that I could share Christ in the Thai language. If Christ shown like a like in the land of great darkness I am assured that the light of Christ could demolish the darkness here. And the bride will grow. We met for lunch then caught a red truck back to the hotel. Then at 5 pm the opening gathering was held for dinner. Worship with these people was great. I hope that I would meet some and encourage them. For now this little place of worship and prayer is open.

To God belongs the glory.

Thailand Day 2 and beginning of day 3

The word is living and active and sharper than any two edged sword...

Hebrews 4:12 NASB
For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

I have been blessed the last three days with so much word, and prayer in which God meets me. It is easy to do this here in that the TV is off. There are no people going to and fro and there are places I can hide and meet with God.

We have as a group met together a lot. We had devotion together yesterday morning. We take meals together and share what we order. I wonder if we will have all things in coming because Christ is all we truly have. I pray that our private time with God is rich.

This is a place of darkness where they have so many shrines and where they strive and strive for what I do not know. May God's gospel reach these people.

Thailand Day 1

It is already Tuesday the 3rd here 13 hours in front of the Central time zone. I have been up and down in flying in that there was so much entertainment. It just connected in my mind to something a friend of mine said it was. He or she said entertainment detains you so the devil can enter into you. I listened to music I used to listen to before God saved me. God convicted me quick so I just sat there reading the bible. I ended up deleting the book I was so hyped up to read. There is a purpose for me being here and I owe noone but God for this opportunity. I want him to be known.

Prayer

I read texts on prayer a lot. And though I am not an exhaustive font of knowledge on prayer their are some things I find helpful in my search to deepen my prayer life.

1. Remember God in prayer

I don't mean that we should pray for God because He is self-sufficient. I mean that praise should be part of prayer too. We pray to the Father through Jesus Christ the Son by the aid of the Holy Spirit.

2. Humble oneself when praying to God.

For me this sets my mind to see more cleary that I am the creature and He the Creator. He is the potter and I the clay.

3. May what I request be according to the Will of God.

When I think of the requests I make from God I look at it in the light of James 4.
James 4:3 NASB You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.
1 John 3:22 NASB and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight.

4. Give my all to God. Submit myself to God

I have realized that the more I give my desires to God the more freedom in Christ I have.
Romans 12:1-2 NASB Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

5. Use the word of God in a prayer

Psalm 27:4 NASB
One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD And to meditate in His temple.
Psalm 61:1-8 NASB
Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a refuge for me, A tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings. Selah. For You have heard my vows, O God; You have given me the inheritance of those who fear Your name. You will prolong the king's life; His years will be as many generations. He will abide before God forever; Appoint lovingkindness and truth that they may preserve him. So I will sing praise to Your name forever, That I may pay my vows day by day.

6. It is through Christ that we ask.

John 16:23-26 NASB
"In that day you will not question Me about anything Truly, truly, I say to you, if you ask the Father for anything in My name, He will give it to you. "Until now you have asked for nothing in My name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be made full. "These things I have spoken to you in figurative language; an hour is coming when I will no longer speak to you in figurative language, but will tell you plainly of the Father. "In that day you will ask in My name, and I do not say to you that I will request of the Father on your behalf;

Church's and heart attacks

I woke up in time to go to the 11 o'clock service. Before I went I sought to ready my heart by meeting God in his word. It was great to take in the word of God in two places Hebrews 10.
Hebrews 10:5-7, 10-12, 14-17, 19-23 NASB
Therefore, when He comes into the world, He says, "SACRIFICE AND OFFERING YOU HAVE NOT DESIRED, BUT A BODY YOU HAVE PREPARED FOR ME; [6] IN WHOLE BURNT OFFERINGS AND sacrifices FOR SIN YOU HAVE TAKEN NO PLEASURE. [7] "THEN I SAID, 'BEHOLD, I HAVE COME (IN THE SCROLL OF THE BOOK IT IS WRITTEN OF ME) TO DO YOUR WILL, O GOD.'" [10] By this will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. [11] Every priest stands daily ministering and offering time after time the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins; [12] but He, having offered one sacrifice for sins for all time, SAT DOWN AT THE RIGHT HAND OF GOD, [14] For by one offering He has perfected for all time those who are sanctified. [15] And the Holy Spirit also testifies to us; for after saying, [16] "THIS IS THE COVENANT THAT I WILL MAKE WITH THEM AFTER THOSE DAYS, SAYS THE LORD: I WILL PUT MY LAWS UPON THEIR HEART, AND ON THEIR MIND I WILL WRITE THEM," He then says, [17] "AND THEIR SINS AND THEIR LAWLESS DEEDS I WILL REMEMBER NO MORE." [19] Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, [20] by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh, [21] and since we have a great priest over the house of God, [22] let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. [23] Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;
This reminded me of the valley of dry bones and how God could make them live then I read and right near the valley was written the new covenant in which God speaks of in Ezekiel 36.
Ezekiel 36:3, 22-29, 31 NASB
therefore prophesy and say, 'Thus says the Lord GOD, "For good reason they have made you desolate and crushed you from every side, that you would become a possession of the rest of the nations and you have been taken up in the talk and the whispering of the people."'" [22] "Therefore say to the house of Israel, 'Thus says the Lord GOD, "It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for My holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you went. [23] "I will vindicate the holiness of My great name which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst Then the nations will know that I am the LORD," declares the Lord GOD, "when I prove Myself holy among you in their sight. [24] "For I will take you from the nations, gather you from all the lands and bring you into your own land. [25] "Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. [26] "Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. [27] "I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances. [28] "You will live in the land that I gave to your forefathers; so you will be My people, and I will be your God. [29] "Moreover, I will save you from all your uncleanness; and I will call for the grain and multiply it, and I will not bring a famine on you. [31] "Then you will remember your evil ways and your deeds that were not good, and you will loathe yourselves in your own sight for your iniquities and your abominations.
This brought up not a feeling that I owed God but thankfulness to God and shame at my sin. So I went to church and saw God revealed in song and preaching. During the preaching it was announced that the man who suggested I purchase the biography of John and Betty Stam suffered a heart attack. I was stunned to say the least I spoke to him whenever I entered the bookstore. Yet I met with God today even though I was off kilter at finding this out. Yet halfway through someone decided to sit next to me. His name was Justin. I am really introverted thus left without small talk. I managed to connect with a couple I used to see almost every Sunday for a year. May God bless them with a child according to His will. I will end by saying this that though hard times will come I will trust in the Lord.

Going forth and being a woman and not a girl.

Today I am looking at my life. My sister has brought me to a salon and while she has had her hair done I have had a time to examine myself and though to others I may seem as if I am relaxing on my tablet. But inwardly God knows. In reading the book about the life of John and Betty Stem I see an awesome work of God in their life. They counted their lives as loss for the sake of Jesus Christ. They paid for the calling of preaching the gospel in China with their lives. The Bible demands us to lay down our lives to present our bodies as a living sacrifice which is our spiritual worship. I know that this sacrifice gains us a closer relationship to God. And it is a fragrant offering to God. This reminds me of the story Paris Reidheid shared in his sermon Two Shekels and a Shirt about the two Moravian slaves and how as the boat pulled away these words were heard, " May the Lamb receive the reward of his suffering!" Those who count their life as loss for the sake of Christ gain life