Day 3 Mexico

I ran some errands and reached my boiling point. I could not function my frustration was high. I tried to justify to God my feeling but I was broken and just wanted a hug. Yet God knew that it would be a false comfort. So after spending the day holding everything in I went to pray. It was very similar to the Hispanic Pentecostal churches I have been to before. Prayers were all done at the same time yet the voice of one can be heard above the many prayers. The people who prayed over the prayers were a blessing, they pointed to Christ. Yet after prayer I went away that I may not speak to anyone. I have been battling that throughout the day. Please pray that God help me.

Levita

Mexico Day 2 : Trip Day 9

I awoke at around 8 in the morning and was at John 6. Jesus the bread of life. How important is that when confronted with gluttony. I have had so much temptations cone my way to do what my conscience says is a sin. This being in matters of my attention being captured by the TV and asked time and time again to have some more food or to eat this because the other person is full. God has been so good to me and I hope to be a light that seeks after Christ no matter what is thought of me. I find that people in Mexico believers in Mexico and the US need prayer because of how we are bombarded with the cares of this world. There is much opportunity in Mexico and Guatemala to live for the Lord and let me share a little of what happened on my second day in Mexico. We went to Tlatliago (I think that's the name) We met the oldest son who lives in the countryside and has 4 people and one helper living on the property. Those who are in their program are Javier, Cecilia, David, and Samuel please pray for them as they are vulnerable, that God in their weakness be it a physical impairment or mental impairment the glory of God may be seen more. Liz is a young woman who helps them out. Pray for her too for her serving for her walk. This part of the orphanage ministry is run by Jony the oldest son of Freddy and Berta. He lives there with his wife Amber and three kids Asa, Lila, and the youngest. Amber is from Illinois she is a sweet girl who growing up had no idea that she would end up here. Now in their place they have planted many things like pumpkin, radish, a type of greens, chilies, tomatillos, potatoes and carrots. Their son Asa loves playing in the dirt. They have chickens, rabbits, and sheep and live right near a mountain that takes an hour to climb. I think Tina you would love to visit but I digress. By the way pray for their family and Amber who is pregnant with their 4th baby. The oldest Asa asked me time and time again Juega conmigo, (play with me) he asked and God allowed me to serve the little boy in that way. Jony his father has an amazing testimony saved from pride, rebellion, hatred, and fear of death. God has taught this man that in belonging to Christ there is humility and a love for others. He has taken a lot of mocking for moving from the city and having a farm, just like his father Freddy did he was told he could either pastor or run the orphanage but not do both, so they had to leave the church to serve God. Glory belongs to God. I have been blessed and know that God calls us to something greater. May our lives shout our hope is in CHRIST!

Levita

Day 7 and Day 8 Antigua, Guatemala City and Mexico

There is so much to say. The day after the wedding we decided all, but the newlyweds to go to Antigua. It was a gift of God to go there. That morning I woke up and was able to read the word. I really wanted to go to church but it could not be helped. I am able to have personal devotion time and worship but want corporate prayer and worship. I have been in John, Ephesians, and Psalms seeking Him to behold Him. I was able to behold God in Antigua with Jack and Jane Surina who are in Antigua to learn the language. We had lunch with them and they are handing out tracks and teamed up last week with a street preacher named Manuel. He and his children go into the central park where many locals and tourist just hang out. I was able to translate for Jack and Jane while they spoke to a man Pable and another man named Francisco they go to a local evangelical church called Nueva Jerusalén. They go to church but do not have their own to study daily. I spoke to at an organic store a lady named Heidi when I started talking about the Lord she smiled and was so happy to talk about the Lord she also attends the same church. We met with Manuel at around 3:15 pm. It was a blessing to translate between him and the Surinas to be sure that we are on the same page with the Gospel. He then open air preached out of Hebrews 1:1-3.
Hebrews 1:1-3 NASB
God, after He spoke long ago to the fathers in the prophets in many portions and in many ways, [2] in these last days has spoken to us in His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the world. [3] And He is the radiance of His glory and the exact representation of His nature, and upholds all things by the word of His power When He had made purification of sins, He sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high,
When he preached I translated for Jane and she was so touched at the message. I think I get why those who go to Guatemala Nick, Seth, the Surinas want to return I have been through the ringer emotionally and spiritually yet I don't understand my heart or God's leading please pray because sincerely I wanted to stay if not for the promise I made to return.
Now the next morning we flew out another day of traveling with a brief respite at Antigua. It showed me more impatience yet God helped me. It was good. I got into a discussion about weakness and strength. I want God to pour His love into me.
Here in Mexico and meeting Freddy and Berta hearing about their ministry to families offering counseling, orphanage, and help to single mothers always sharing the Gospel while serving. Freddy's father shares the Gospel in a nearby park. Sara their daughter loves the Lord her favorite Psalm the 63rd. Daniel the son and I got into a discussion on the free will of man in salvation. Sigh, after a total of 30 minutes I decided enough was enough. That finished off my first day in Mexico.
Let me know how Bible study went yesterday.

Levita

Day 4 & Day 5 Wedding!

There is so much to say. We just got to the Best Western in Guatemala City 7 hours after we started our trek after the wedding. Friday we traveled out from Flores the small island that we were staying at to Chisec. It took a long time and when I got there I wanted to change money. Nick decided to get a haircut before the wedding. I got lost and missed the civil ceremony supposedly they have those before a church wedding. I walked around most of Chisec and took two tuktuks to find them. I was able to meet Norma's family and was able to talk to them. Yolanda, her mom, is a dear woman who loves the Lord and shared how she and her husband met. She misses him but says God has set this to happen. Norma's brother Nixon came along later and shared how God changed his attitude of anger. How he constantly asked for prayer seeking deliverance from this sin from God. He is such a quiet calm man he and wife have two kids and are expecting a third. So after we ate together we set off to the wedding site including Norma's sister Lilia. Please pray for Lilia that God may provide for her, have her serve her mother and that her children would grow in the admonition of the Lord. By the time we got there I was really really tired and though I still served it was grudgingly. I was asked if I was all right yet I did not admit it. I was broken and getting so tired that I despaired to the point of wanting the rushing river to sweep me away. By the grace of God when the next day the Wedding day rolled around I was filled with such a sense of leave and love I repented of my attitude.
Now for the wedding. It's the rainy season and I was told by Norma they were supposed to create a platform jutting out from the shore by the waterfall where they were to be married. Nick was in the bungalow. Norma, her sister, and I were across the waters. So much was going on its hard to remember it all. The wedding was supposed to start at 10 but did not begin til later. By six o'clock that was when young men began building the platform. It was beautiful. I was able to take in God loving hands in the preparations. I wish y'all were with me.
It pointed to Christ and His bride there was much prayer and love poured into this. The man who officiated, Norma's eldest brother. He did make a joke in the beginning but the most profound thing that struck me is that God has united two nations, two families into one just like man and wife become one flesh. We are one in Christ. We worshiped the Lord in English and Spanish it was a blessing. I will tell you more when I saw y'all face to face. It point to Christ to Him be the glory.

Levita

Day 3: To serve

Dear Tina,

It was a day that began with praise to God even through tears just realising how good God is. I read some of John where He was consumed with zeal for His house. He is worthy. Today I have so much to share that it may take me more time than I want. This morning and afternoon I was able to serve. The plans for today going to the beach and going to a bible study.

By the way there is a praise. You know I struggle with overeating. It is something that has been on my mind much and I want God to deal with it. In the US there is constantly lunches and snacks and wonderful ladies who work with me who love on me by providing me food if they feel I am going hungry. God has been telling me eat this and no more. I have not eaten more than what is necessary.

So I woke up to the word. To dance before the Lord. I read a little bit in John the first miracle of Jesus it still strikes me that the first miracle of Christ has to do with the Jewish rights of purification. He created the wine from water bringing to mind two things, Jesus the living water in whom we shall never thirst, second His blood the true drink which cleanses our unrighteousness. I read more here and three a bit of Romans 8 There is threfore now no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

I was able to serve Nick´s parents and stepfather by being able to order breakfast for them. Then serve Dia by bringing breakfast and going to the store for her and grabbing disinfectant soap, yogurt, and a pair of sunglasses.

There was much submission to what Dia wanted to do and God cause me to submit but I have to learn to rejoice in it I pray to God admitting my sin and hope He will give me joy.

For some reason God has given me this friendliness or just love in wanting to hear and speak to others.

We walked much and this was an oppurtunity to serve Christ in counting Dia higher than myself by not going ahead with the other but remaining with her helping her. We took a boat in the early afternoon around the small island we are staying at and a nearby peninsula jutting out into a lake. A large purified fresh water lake. there was an opportunity to share the Gospel with the driver of the boat Jose. He is a husband to a Christian and does believe in God but is Catholic. This is really common in hispanic culture that God would save the wife and has her serve her husband joyfull. He dearly loves his wife Carina for this and his son Anthony. I was able to share about sin, about the righteousness of God, about his Son Jesus fully God that He might live by the law we have broken, fully human that he might be our mediator. I was filled with so much joy. I asked him if he had a bible he said no. Dia had given me a paperback one for the trip and I had it in my backpack. I told him a dear friend gave me this and I am giving it to you it is God´s word by the Holy Spirit that saves. He wanted to pay me for the bible Tina!!! I told him your soul is precious to be I will give it to you if you promise to read it. He promised me he would.

We went to the beach and I was able to talk to two ladies and serve them. Nick told them his story and they rejoiced. Please pray for Tere she is divorced with three sons and her cousin Elena Maria who was with her. They were there in Flores on vacation from Guatemala city.

On our way back was another opportunity I want to share with you so much that has happened but I know that I will miss some details. We climbed a path the took us to a lookout tree the way was steep and treacherous. By God grace He granted Dia the energy and strength needed to make the 45 minute trek to find another boat.

Now we got ready as fast as we could for church. This was the plan to take a little motorcycle type vehile with room for two in the back called a tuktuk for shorter distances it is 5 quetzales per per up to 15 quetzales for longer distances.We decided that if anyone wanted to stay to recover we could if not then we would take the tuktuk to a bus depo which was virtually a van. Thus we went to where Nick lives. He has been working as much as he could making repairs here and there to ready the place for he and his bride what a picture is it not. Anyway I digress because I was able to talk to a lady Adriana about living the Christian life. She goes to a small nazarene church but has not been getting into the word much on her own. The lady behind he with a baby was fascinated. I realized this and introduced myself. I forget her name but God knows it and finds her precious. I pray that she might go look at the word on her own. Her mom is one of the ladies who is deep into the word she has 7 siblings all girls I think and is married with 2 children.

So we saw Nick´s place but Dia was too weary to take the ten minute trek to the church Nick attends with the missionary Jimmy and his wife Shelley. Two dear people who love the Lord and want to minister among these people. Okay I am a little sidetracked. So Dia did not feel comfortale with me walking alone but Nick´s neighbor the guy Jual Miguel Paz Maldonado I think was going to church pray for him he may have an upper respitory infection/cold. Anyway he was going on his motorbike. Dia said to go with him. It was awful me sitting sidesaddle and clining to his should and backpack. So I did not die and I made it to church. I met this sweet 15 year-old girl named Sofia. She has ovarian pain and came to the Lord just months before. I was able to talk to her and tell her about suffering. I met so many dear saints, Norabet and olderlady with a large family she was with her grandchildren I believe. Luis who is zelous for the Lord God saved him recently and is just joy-filled. I was able to serve there too and encourage them afterword with what verse are stored up within me. We went through a bible study on 1 John 1-part of two. We went through If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteouness. Also if we have love for our brother we are of God. And lastly do not love the world or the things of this world. I was able to talk afterwards a bit with Shelley she wished we could have spoken more. These are a dear congregation who love the Lord. They have Christ. Please pray for this congregation that the might hear the word of God spoken by the power of the Spirit that prayer true prayer be made in their midst, that they continue to seek God.

The word of God is a two edged sword able to pierce and divide. I was encouraging them and they were joyfully listening not to my words which are nothing, but I think I was speaking by the Spirit something to encourage them with.

Please pray for the wedding and for all the dear people I met here beloved by God. There is such a poverty of spirit here, such humility may God do a work.

By the way please pray for Juan that God continue to grow this young man.

I thank God always for you sister because you pray for me and care for me you are like a mom sometimes in your care and I so appreciate that when I lost my own. God bless you tonight in the fellowship I will be there in Spirit without the sleepiness.

Levita

Guatemala Day 2: Rest of the day

Off and on througout the day God has been reminding me look at me come with me. And I just cried out to Him but did not get the chance to truly be with God until this evening. The rains came furious and strong and I told Nick and Dia to go on ahead because he was helping her carry a large container of purified water to the room. I could not just go upstairs when God beckoned me to come outside. It was like God gently calling his bride to come outside. I went outside and beheld just a miniscule of His power as what is a heavy rain came down and in the distance seeing lightening. And I spoke to God and He answered me. It makes me think if I can have this sweetness, this sorrow at not beholding Him as much while being distracted by work I would take it, if my soul would be free from distractions. God is the prize. He is the reward. One thing that I was reminded by Nick that I first heard about 2 years ago. "And this eternal life that they might know you the one True God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent."

I love you guys and hope to see you soon.

Levita

Day 1 and Morning 2 in Guatemala

Okay on Monday evening I told myself I would not sleep. I had been praying that God would not let me worry that I may be able to calm and assure my other team member Dia while doing last minute things. I did get to sleep and did not get to be all nice and clean for my trip out. So God brought a lot of sin up in my mind on the 4th of June.

1) Impatience (I thought God had done a great work in this and he did but it did bring to mind that God still needs to sanctify me a great deal.

We were told on our flight out to Atlanta that we would not be able to board because we did not have a return ticket. God helped us greatly. We were at the wrong gate (my oversight), then the ticket counter. In Atlanta wrong gate again (my oversight again) we ran from one side of the airport to another. God showed me time and time again that He would get us where we need to be. It was work and by the end of the day I was really sweaty and was whining about by 3:00 pm which God convicted me of as well.

We met with a Bethlehem Global Partner Ludin and his wife Becky. They are such a blessing both to Bethlehem and Guatemale he does avaition and provides bible training to the Guatemalan people. His wife a wonderful helpmeet for him helps train young women to be nurses. They also help not by providing financial means but with giving them more economic opportunities. (This is what I got when I was not lost in my cloud of self-pity)

Dia and I got to our locationat around 8:00 pm we had dinner with Nick Jackson, his parents, his roommate Juan de la Paz (I think that is his name), Dia and I. It was a fun time Nick remembers fondly his Spiritual family in MN and the other places where we have gone. Please pray for his roommate Juan who is a young man who just finished seminary, may God fill Him and speak through this young man by the Holy Spirit. Please also pray for Nick that he might find deep fellowship with the children of God here in Pekin.

June 5, 2013

Second day

God woke me up 7:20 Guatemalen time enough time to go to Tikal but I am not a tourist. I had much to do like go to the bank and purchase a temp phone. I went out and was taken in by place, so much like Puerto Rico but not. No I do not think I am called to Guatemala I always told myself that God would not send me to a spanish speaking nation. (I know I speak Spanish). Dia was still resting and so much was ingrained into me  in Psalm 3. ¨I cried aloud to the Lord and he answered me from his holy hill. Ila down and slept I awoke again, for the Lord sustained me.¨ Then God brought me again to Psalm 4 ¨You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.¨ It is 11:04 and I need to check what else I need to do. it has been hard work and yet my heart feels lighter and my melancholy gone. God is so good to me that it bring me to tears. Who am I that God would take pity on me. I love you all.

Levita Michal Ayala Goeloe

True devotion

For a few days I have been disquiet. My soul was in turmoil within me. The glory of the Lord is not given to another. No one can satisfy like our God. Before I was a believer I knew that no one was able to soothe my sadness to bring peace to my soul. God gives me that everyday is not hunky dory. I worry, sadness come, and at times I seek the temporal things rather than God. Yet when He brings the Light of the world to shine in my life this causes me to stand.
Isaiah 42:1-9 NASB
"Behold, My Servant, whom I uphold; My chosen one in whom My soul delights I have put My Spirit upon Him; He will bring forth justice to the nations. [2] "He will not cry out or raise His voice, Nor make His voice heard in the street. [3] "A bruised reed He will not break And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish; He will faithfully bring forth justice. [4] "He will not be disheartened or crushed Until He has established justice in the earth; And the coastlands will wait expectantly for His law." [5] Thus says God the LORD, Who created the heavens and stretched them out, Who spread out the earth and its offspring, Who gives breath to the people on it And spirit to those who walk in it, [6] "I am the LORD, I have called You in righteousness, I will also hold You by the hand and watch over You, And I will appoint You as a covenant to the people, As a light to the nations, [7] To open blind eyes, To bring out prisoners from the dungeon And those who dwell in darkness from the prison. [8] "I am the LORD, that is My name; I will not give My glory to another, Nor My praise to graven images. [9] "Behold, the former things have come to pass, Now I declare new things; Before they spring forth I proclaim them to you."
This is my beloved.

Life, singleness, and praying for a godly spouse

I have to by the grace and empowerment of God seek not to compromise on this point. Marriage is not about companionship though it is a side benefit. Marriage is not about the fuzzy feelings, infatuation  found in the world. Singleness is the period in one's life where their heart has a single-minded devotion to my soul's beloved (for the Christian) which is Jesus Christ. I have to say mold me crush me make me mature by your power I am nothing but You are the all powerful God.
Who knows whether the Lord is calling me for singleness or marriage? Yet I will say this about me as a Christian woman I wait for this when it comes to a possible spouse.
1)Single-minded devotion to Christ
2) Being a man meaning to be ready to be priest, prophet, provider , and protector for his home and family
3) A man of prayer
4) A man who shares the gospel
5) Who communes with the Triune God
6) Who lives out his life to honor God in holiness and purity
7) Who will be the Spiritual leader to his home
If God so wills this will happen.

Wedding, This morning, and True devotion

God was gracious for me when I was a guest at two weddings by giving me two verses.

 

For one girl I wrote this verse

 

Set me as a seal upon your heart,
    as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
    jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
    the very flame of the Lord.

 

For another who waited two years for her husband I wrote this

 

for behold, the winter is past;
    the rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth,
    the time of singing has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
    is heard in our land.
The fig tree ripens its figs,
    and the vines are in blossom;
    they give forth fragrance.

 

Today I was reading

 

And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.

 

"And in that day I will answer, declares the Lord,
    I will answer the heavens,
    and they shall answer the earth,
and the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil,
    and they shall answer Jezreel,
and I will sow her for myself in the land.
And I will have mercy on No Mercy,
    and I will say to Not My People, 'You are my people';
    and he shall say, 'You are my God.'"

 

It is a portion of a scripture that I come back to because I am prone to wander and be distracted away from my God.

 

In the portion of Romans this is what stood out

 

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

So this is what I got from all of the scripture I have thinking about today. We are bought and paid for sealed to be the bride of Christ. On the day of salvation and each day afterwards throughout eternity of God calls to us betrothing us to himself in his splendour of Holiness. He is a God who abounds in mercy and steadfast love. We are justified by faith in Him, in the work of Christ. Even though we are unlovable He loves not because of anything we did, but because of who God is. Does it not make you want to praise God, worship God, serve God, and love God.

Biblical Womanhood

It is hard to be a woman, to wait. It is easy to fall into self-pity. To think that God is not moving and working in a girl's life, a single girl's life. Yet God's glory is revealed in our weakness, and I am very week. God is good and His promises are a "yes and amen" in Christ Jesus my Lord and God. God is not like man that He should waver or change His mind.

 

This is the portion of scripture God would have me hold to Isaiah 45

 

I call you by your name,
    I name you, though you do not know me.
I am the Lord, and there is no other,
    besides me there is no God;
    I equip you, though you do not know me,
that people may know, from the rising of the sun
    and from the west, that there is none besides me;
    I am the Lord, and there is no other.
I form light and create darkness,
    I make well-being and create calamity,
    I am the Lord, who does all these things.

 

 

Thoughts at 4 am Thursday and same day at 11 pm then at 6 am

At four in the morning the rooster crowed from my alarm clock. I had gone to sleep trusting in the Almighty Sufficient Christ who in Revelations is to wipe every tear from their eyes. I woke up sorrowed, yet even through it I cried out to God that He may set my mind on the things above. It was such a battle yet I knew this. I am clothed in the righteousness of Christ it is no longer I who live but Christ in me.

Muchas cosas pasan alrededor de mi. Siento como si mucho cambia pero mis circunstancias no cambian. Pero esta vida esta en las manos de Dios. Estoy en este carro pero estoy millas de este lugar. Soy amarga voy a decirlo como es. Dios conoce mi corazón. Estoy cansada mi espalda siente como es una roca. Yo tengo solamente a Dios y no es nada para ser triste. Si hay momentos cuando tengo satisfacción en donde Dios me tiene pero ahora veo que Dios me esta conformando para cerca humilde como su Hijo.

I woke up and I do not know where I stand but beg God save me from this body of flesh. God be glorified in my life. I want God what else do I have.

Missions, preaching, and being a woman

Since my college days I wanted to be a peace corps volunteer. When God saved me in 2006 that changed into wanting to do missions work. Now fast-foward to 2009 when I went to California because of a deep desire to evangelize, to be a witness. I want to see the lost saved and God made me a woman. I have a role God has called me to yet where does that leave the yearning to go and proclaim, where does that leave my desire to be sent... God is so great and terrifying. He says live and we live, He shuts and opens doors. I will submit to what God wants, His will be done and I will be honest this terrifies me. I wanted to be a missionary, I wanted to be an evangelist, I even wanted to be a wife and mother but I lay it before the Lord. May I die that God may dwell in me more richly. I want to cry but if this is what it takes not to have a shallow "christianity", let it be done. I lay it before God my life my all its His anyway. God to You belongs the power, the glory, the dominion, the majesty, the glory forever and ever. Amen.

In the Valley

God sets the feet of His people on high places.

I work for the county, pension, life insurance... The Lord has provided and is showing me not to cling to this.

God is revealing pride and impatience, wanting my secret desires to come true rather than wanting God's will done.

Today was back and forth for me periods of crying out to God in between times of work and my own sin. I have been literally in tears and I hate it.

Brokenness over sin, over my life, over my coldness at times. I do not know God as I ought , trust as I should.

I have given my desires to the Lord and I am dying to them. They have been with me long and have been used to inspire coveting, idolatry, ungodly fear.

Christ help me. Please help me and magnify your name.

Meeting with the Living God/My Prayer

God the reason why we exist and have our being. I have a church the exults in the Word, that talk about God in a high manner and that sees Him as a mighty God, a majestic God. There is one thing that is missing. Do not get me wrong I love where I am. God seeks worshippers in Spirit and in Truth. One can meet with the Living God. Meeting with God can fill with fear with terror knowing that this is a God who can speak out of a whirlwind and that is not the magnitude of His Power. He can fill a believer with a sense of profound safety that no one can pluck me from His hands. He is the Living Resurrected Christ. True communion with Christ. If we seek solely salvation we are missing the point. Since Christ by His blood tore open a way to the Holy place to bring our petitions before the Father. What should we ask for? First and foremost should be the hallowing of God's name. Yes we ask for our daily bread. I learned this weekend about the beauty of Holiness. Paul in his prayer asks that we be filled with all the fullness of God. A lot of people see me as radical, as a fanatic. I have learned by many tears and distress that shallow Christianity grieves the Holy Spirit. Through the Word of God I met with Him me being away from Minnesota. The Lord is near to those who seek Him. Will not God reward those who more than anything want Christ! What is maturity but a beautiful humility, a poverty of Spirit that know all we have is Christ. There are people whose heroes are men of God who pant after God, men like Spurgeon, like John Owen, like John MacArthur, like Paul Washer, like John Piper. What are you willing to do to live the reality of meeting with the Living God? Are you willing to throw out your ungodly music, are you willing to close the door on things that do not profit. I am speaking to myself about these things. I will seek to behold my God.
Song of Solomon 8:5 NASB
"Who is this coming up from the wilderness Leaning on her beloved?" "Beneath the apple tree I awakened you; There your mother was in labor with you, There she was in labor and gave you birth.
This is what I want said of me, there she is leaning on her beloved.

Activity, Conviction, and Repentance

It has been a busy week and I realize more and more my need for Christ. I am at my dad's today and am readying to head out with the purpose to meet Christ this I will seek in three main ways but if the Lord brings me a person to give the Gospel that will be a blessing. On my way home on Thursday I saw a man very unkempt, with a beard, and puppy eyes. I did not recognize him. He recognized me. He asked didn't you take an intermediate Dutch class. I had when I attended the University. I don't remember his name, but suddenly I transposed one of the students over his now slender frame. Back then he was probably 40 lbs heavier, very much a modern hippie, blond highlights in his hair and a tiny goatee. His major was Scandinavian languages, he graduated, I did not.I should have given him the Gospel, I was just so grieved. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said the chance to dream. God please put someone in his path or put him again in mine. This week has been full of distraction but I pray and plead that my heart not wander because it is prone to. 

This is what I have been reading a grace gem by Ruth Bryan her journal

I have been sad and tired

Gleanings from the Inner Life of Ruth Bryan

1822

I am going to aim at keeping a kind of DIARY, to write down my feelings, thoughts, and the occurrences of the days as they pass away, in hopes of finding it beneficial. May the Lord grant His blessing!

Sunday, September 1st, 1822.—Attended the seven o'clock prayer-meeting this morning for the first time. The affectionate prayers which were offered up for my dearest father affected me. May they be answered! Seem to have some feeling about Divine things; but, alas! this afternoon am as stupid as usual. Nothing, nothing will break this hard heart. The services of another Sabbath are over; how have my privileges been abused! I feel this evening I cannot tell how; I know not which way to turn. Oh, that I may be directed by the Spirit of truth to the right way of happiness!

Monday, 2nd.—Have spent this afternoon at a friend's. Alas! alas! I have still to mourn my insensibility to serious things; indeed, I seem not to have any desire.

[Reader, this may appear a strange expression from a quickened, living soul; but have you known nothing of having been brought so low, under the power of unbelief, and the entanglements of worldliness, carnality, and sin, as to be brought to halt—to hesitate—to doubt, and, in your inner heart to sigh for even a desire after spiritual manifestations, and such tokens of mercy as you had once hoped were yours? Was not the prophet here when he said, "My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord!"]

I fear that I am not affected as I ought, and have only a faint desire to become a Christian; and that merely to escape hell. Lord, have mercy upon me! Lead aright; break this hard, hard heart! You, Lord, know what I would have, even the forgiveness of my sins. During service was as cold as a stone. Oh, when will this vile heart be melted and subdued by divine grace?

Tuesday, 3rd.—Have been more light and trifling than usual today. I not only indulged a worldly spirit, but encouraged and courted it. How have I to lament every day my sinfulness. I am afraid I have been in some measure trusting to what I hoped to do; but the more I strive to do something acceptable, the shorter I come. I know the right way, but find it hard to depend only on Christ, and to exercise faith. I have no faith, no humility, no sense of sin, no confidence in the promises, no fear of the threatened punishments; nor anything that I ought to have. Oh, what a picture!

This evening heard a sermon from John 2:11; but, alas! felt next to nothing. O Lord, break this heart into ten thousand pieces! Oh! I would sooner suffer all horrors and terrors imaginable, and be saved at last, than be in my present dreadful and stupid state. Break—break, oh, break my heart, and make me give it entirely to You, O blessed Savior!

Wednesday, 4th.—This evening have been to a friend's. No profitable conversation, nor did I wish for any; but joined in the nonsense, and seemed almost to forget I had a soul. What shall we say to these things? Every night I have to look back upon a day spent in folly and sin. Alas! I fear, and with too much reason, that I never felt the plague of my own heart. Oh, for all the sorrows imaginable, sooner than indulge in such wickedness! Lord, forgive, and rouse me from this worse than death. Oh, what a hypocrite I am!

Friday, 6th.—Went with Miss B— this morning for a walk. Enjoyed it very much. She seems to think there is good hope even for me. Surely I have not deceived her. I think I told her all I felt; but hope and encouragement seem almost impossible. I have been informed by one of my companions that Miss B— has with pain observed in me a spirit of censoriousness and sneering. I sneer! the last person in the world who ought to do it, feeling so guilty myself. I am afraid I did not receive the reproof in a proper spirit; but felt hurt, as it came from those younger than myself. Lord, subdue the abominable spirit of pride which I feel, and enable me to overcome the censorious looks which are observed in me!

Sunday, 8th, Evening.—I have enjoyed or understood a little of what has been delivered today; but now it seems to have gone from me, and I am the same stupid creature again. Oh, how long shall I groan under this worse than Egyptian bondage? Oh, that I may be enabled to look to Christ for deliverance, and to wait patiently His good time!

Tuesday, 10th.—The day has passed as usual; we have little variation, and my feelings vary almost as little. I am generally as cold and dead as the stones in the street. This evening heard a sermon from Psalm 50:13. Felt a little encouragement to hope that I should some time be delivered from my burden of sin; but then, when I thought of feeling what was said, and looking upon myself as a sinner, it came into my mind, "Oh, you hypocrite! you whited sepulcher!" From whence it proceeded I know not.

Saturday, 21st.—I have this day been rather more still than I am sometimes; but must take shame and confusion of face to myself for all the events thereof. O Lord, make me humble, and allow me not to depend upon anything it is in my power to perform. Oh, keep me humble! keep me from self-deception! begin the good work, if it is not yet begun. Oh, may I not be a castaway! Break, break this stony heart! How long, Lord, how long? Make me feel. Oh, leave me not to this insensibility! What argument can I use? Oh, leave, leave me not! Allow me not to perish! Mercy, mercy is all my plea; for Christ's sake, have mercy on me! Oh, precious, precious Christ Jesus! be my Savior, Husband, Friend—my Jesus, and my all. Jesus! Jesus! Oh, that You were precious to my soul!

[To a mere novice in Divine things, or speculators in religion, these heart-exercises would appear strange and anomalous; but by such as have been brought into the school of Christ, and are set by the Divine Teacher to the study of the human heart, the struggles—the contention—the warfare between flesh and spirit—that which is from beneath, and that which is from above—will be perfectly and practically understood.]

October 25th—My dear father has been severely exercised with pain; for five hours he endured such agony as he never felt before. My distress during that period was such as I cannot express. The fear that I should soon lose such a dear parent, and the misery of hearing his groans without being able to afford relief, exceeds all I ever felt; but, thanks be to the Lord! my father is fast recovering. Here is cause for a fresh Ebenezer. Oh, I can never be sufficiently thankful! O Lord, grant that both my dear parents may be spared many years, unworthy as I am of them.

October 31st.—Have just returned from a prayer-meeting. My dear father gave us a sweet address from the words, "I know it shall be well with those who fear the Lord;" but, alas! it was not for me—I cannot say that I fear the Lord in the manner described. Everything I hear seems to add to my distress; to hear of the high privileges of true believers, to long to enjoy, and yet to be left almost without hope, is trouble. What shall I do? The door of mercy seems eternally closed against my petitions. I am ready to give up all for lost; but, Lord, make me pray! never let me neglect the means. Oh, sometimes I feel as though I never should give up crying for mercy. I think, if I am cast into hell, I will still cry to Jesus for mercy. Oh, that the Lord would appear for my relief! How long will You hide Your face from me?

November 1st.—Alas! this has been another day of sin. I have given up writing in this book for some time, until this week, for fear it should be pride; but my father says it is a temptation; but I write sin, sin, all sin, nothing but sin. Lord, have mercy! A week ago, my ever dear father suffered unutterable anguish; I cannot be thankful enough to the Lord for restoring him. I have to engage in prayer tonight;* may the Lord help me! but, alas! I tremble.

* Her Friday-evening meetings (of which she often speaks in the course of her Diary) were commenced with one or two Christian friends, at or about this time; and were continued until within a few days of her death.

December 22nd, Sunday.—For the last month, or more, my feelings have been tried indeed. My dear father has been, and still continues under severe affliction. This is the fourth Sabbath he has been confined from his usual labors, but he has enjoyed sweet peace under his sufferings—no fear of death—but he has been enabled to bow to the will of his heavenly Father. He said to me one day, "I care not what pain I suffer, or what affliction, if I could but preach;" the tears came into his eyes, and he was much affected. He longs again to be among his little flock, and to preach to them Christ crucified. May the Lord, if it be His blessed will, soon restore him! But, alas! how stupid and dead have I been under this affliction; my natural feelings have been keen, but, as to spiritual things, I remain unimpressed and cold. Lord, rouse my stupid affections!—leave me not to myself! but take some means to rescue me from that destruction to which I am rushing with impetuosity!