Thoughts 12/26/18

I thank God for each year He has granted me knowing that each moment that He provides for me is possible for the bearing of fruit for His purposes. I am thankful for the different things He has taught me this year. Mostly its better to love than to remain safe. Its better to be myself around others than be what I think they want me to be... I have had a year of quiet sorrow, some anger, periods where sin was revealed to me and so much change.
I feel different isn't that weird I think allowing people in has truly filled my heart. I have a desperate need for the Lord to do a work in my heart and fears. I still need to do more to learn truly love my brothers may God change that in me. In the meanwhile God has really shown me His mercy and His grace and shown me that, His word, the scripture that He has provided, show His character, His Holiness, His grace, His love which is higher than ours, His justice, secondly the precious promises He has bought by redeeming us from the bondage of sin and death, and blessed us with every spiritual blessing. He has also provided us with the local church to encourage one another to greater growth and knowledge of the Lord. Lastly He has taught me that He listens to my prayers and helps those who cry out to Him. This poor man cried and the Lord heard and delivered him out of all of His distresses.
I pray that the Lord will bless this year, to my friends and family. That we will behold Him and seek His face. That we will bless one another not temporally but eternally through prayer and supplication in thanksgiving, that we will encourage and exhort one another.
I thank God knowing that in the end I must rest in Him. That His character means that His purposes and promises shall come to pass.
To God be the Glory.

Thoughts on Singleness

It's Christmas time. It's usually a time I dread because I see what it has become in our society. This year praise the Lord I have been able to meditate on the incarnation of Christ and be remindid of the reason why He had to come on the likeness of sinful flesh. To condemn sin in the flesh He had to be the perfect sacrifice. So it has been hopeful to do this, this year.
So besides my best thoughts centered on Jesus it has been a time to ponder my relationship with others. I realize that in me not letting people in due to my own fear of people seeing me... of a childhood spent moving around so much that forming attachment meant being hurt when I had to leave. I have gotten better praise God but this is what I have learned.
Being vulnerable with others mean maybe having a person to be honest and truthful about where we are at. To comfort during times of mourning. A friend loves at all times. I have found myself just wanting to pour out myself for others. To love them and care for them. Then there is prayer wanting to intercede for them, that we might have boldness, to share the Gospel, that God would build their marriages. That we would reflect Christ before one another throughout our lives.
Being single does have solitary moments but I have time to spend with God, to pour out my heart before Him, and Him granting peace through the Spirit. There are so many moments where I have not dealt with singleness well, avoiding men, walking away from people, the shame I have felt because I wonder if others could see could tell the state of my heart, and my struggles with sin. Looking back I think if I knew people more maybe they would be able to tell me to knock it off... That would probably be good for me. I am going to try to love others and let them in. I will love my family, flesh and church and I will seek to be me, with my mix of maturity, yet with the exuberance and passion of a child.
I have been convicted that I need to truly love others, may that conviction bear fruit.

Revival Within Me

That You would rend the heavens and come down and all people tremble at your presence.

That conviction of sin would come and my eyes look upon my Redeemer.

That Your word would cause me to know You more.

That my affections be focused on my Lord and my God and that it would overflow to loving others.

1 Thessalonians 5:14-24 ESV
And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

May I be pure at heart that I may see God face to face.

Loved

I want to be loved and accepted. It's hard when you are single to feel that way. Yet God's promise to His children is assured. His covenant love is a promised sealed by the blood of Christ that promises a blood bought bride. I wonder though how could God love me.... Yet God promises otherwise.

Regrets

I find myself a lot looking at things I could have done differently, at embarrassing moments, at what I would change.
Yet I have to remind myself not to look at what lies behind but to look ahead to that point in time where I see Christ face to face....

A Desire for Missions

I watch documentaries. I read their biographies. Men and women who forsake their old manner of life and security to gain what they cannot lose.
Mark 8:34-35 ESV
And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it.

There are people who have not heard the truth of the Gospel. People who have heard mangled truth deceived into believing false doctrine about God and about Jesus.
1 Corinthians 1:22-25 ESV
For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

When I go to different countries I always want to see the work of God there. Believers are family no matter where they are. The body is United in Christ.
Anyway I am restless right now knowing that God has me here in Minnesota for now but wanting God to take me somewhere to show love and hospitality to the brethren wherever God would have me. To encourage the body, that Jesus Christ would be glorified.

Not waiting

I should be up and doing something. I just am finding myself pondering contentment during the marriage class in my church's Sunday school.
I sent a letter with questions to the pastor about what is it to find someone to run the Christian race with. To seek a person for the reason of ministry.
I am wrong I know. In the Bible times were different.... Yet so much easier everything arranged by the families. Now Christian women wait for action from men and it sucks.
Worldly men come at me all the time and I hate that. Christian men locally don't look at me.
Today it was an especially difficult class because it didn't seem to give any hope for those who are single to have their desire for marriage be calmed by fellowship and friendship.
My heart is quick to find offence or to be sorrowed when it come to hearing about marriage. It is brought about by God. He orchestrates it and brings people together.
Contentment I long for, wanting to find my joy in seeing Christ, seeking His face, and being in His word. It's hard but worth it, I want to fight for holding fast to Christ by the work of the Holy Spirit.

Gratitude

It was hard for me to be thankful for the little things, because I focused on what I did not have... I felt like I had done my Christian duty why was God not fulfilling that desire in me to be a wife and mother and later on I got upset with not being granted the opportunity to go for a short time and be on the mission field.
God has taught me since to be grateful for my union with Christ. That He has granted to me all I needed. He has provided a body of believers to fellowship with.
I have a hard time being myself sometimes around them. I hate whining about singleness. I want my faith to be strengthened. I want my friends and family to trust the Lord and be found in Him, clothed in His righteousness alone that day.
I have found that being in the word and being in prayer is such blessing to me. During the day the Scriptures rise up in my mind and strengthen my soul. I want my life to be lived for the Lord. My life belongs to Him.

The prayer life of a believer

So many prayers are in the Bible. From one Psalm the cries out Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 65:2 ESV
O you who hear prayer, to you shall all flesh come.
There are also the word in which God promises to be there.
Psalm 50:15 ESV
and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me."

So what do you pray for Jesus in the Lord prayer this is what Jesus prays.

Matthew 6:9-13 ESV
Pray then like this: "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

And He prays in John 17 that we be one with Him as He is one with the Father.
Paul for the Colossians prays that...
Colossians 1:9-14 ESV
And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;  being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy;  giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

I have been more and more convicted about our need for prayer. That we be strengthened in our inner being. That we a rooted and grounded in Love. That we fight and not remain stagnant. That we love one another with a pure heart. That we be more conformed to the image of Christ. That we count all things as loss compared to the reality of knowing Christ as Lord. That we see him and know him and love Him for He is worthy.

Fighting the Good Fight

The growth of a Christian walk is something to be undertaken even though it means hard work, spiritual battles and temptations from the flesh and from the world. It means reading God's word even though at times it does not move me as it should. It means seeking to live a life of purity though at times there is failure. It means praying even though at times it seems God is not there and is not listening to my prayers. These are lies though, God's word never returns void, it's always profitable. Those who are pure at heart the promise is they shall see God. Thirdly the Holy Spirit Himself intercedes for us. Our will when it's alined to God's will there is peace despite the battles and adversity from within and without. So as believers we have to put on the full armour of God and seek to live lives pleasing to the Lord.

Ephesians 6:10-19 ESV
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel,

To be a sister

I was searching through the books for sale at church. My eyes roamed over the titles and once again they paused over Godly Intimacy in a godly marriage I think that's the name. I shake my head and now I think why the heck do I need to go to a Sunday school about marriage. Right now my flesh is saying forget it I don't need to go to that. I go to a small church, it's mostly made up of married people, two young men, and me the older single lady. I have read so many books about marriage it's not even funny which is why that book will never be on my bookshelf. I diverged so far from my original premise that it's not even funny. So I kept looking and saw a book about loving others which would probably help a lot. I am trying to learn right now to love my brothers. What can I do to love? God has convicted me of my attitude but I know that it's through Him and His living and active Word can my heart change. I would put examples on how I don't know how to treat people but it's not funny to me. It's kind of sad. To those who have dealt with my attitude I repent knowing that it's a sin to lash out at people with bitterness. I regret not really knowing people because I want to keep my heart safe.

How God uses Singleness

Singleness...what do I say about it. It's a gift that I don't particularly want. It's something that I need. It would be easy if I were in a relationship or even married to make the other person my idol... Just like I have made marriage my idol. At the end of this year I will be 35 and this is what God has taught me.

The primary lesson is that God, Jesus Christ is preeminent.

Colossians 1:15-20 ESV
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities-all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.

Second, people cannot satisfy my restless soul.

Psalm 62:1-2,5-6,8 ESV
For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah

Third, unlike people, God's promises made in His word, shall come to pass.

2 Peter 1:4 ESV
by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

There is so much more to say about singleness and how God uses it to have us dependant and trust Him.

The Grace of God in times of Suffering

2 Corinthians 4:7-10 ESV
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair;  persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

So far I have heard from several people who I see from time to time about the loss of their loved ones. It has been a time of thinking about death and the difference between the death of believers and the death of the lost. They have chosen this life above Christ. In the end this life is nothing compared to surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus. Someone mentioned that verse actually yesterday that "To live is Christ and to die is gain." Paul wanted to depart already to be with Jesus. If one sees Christ as precious how would they act? Would they set their minds on what this world has to offer or would they seek an inheritance that is imperishable saved in heaven for us. The loss of a loved one is hard yet if they know Christ and you do as well we may see them again. If they are lost and did not know Jesus that sorrow is so deep. They are lost forever.

Thoughts

My sister yesterday asked me what kind of man I wanted. How do I answer that? Janette Ikz said it best when she name characteristics of godly men in the bible yet the most important way he was godly was in how he reflected the love of Christ.

The reality of God is that He is just He justifies a redeemed sinner by having His own Son pay for our sin. In this redemption God seals us with the Holy Spirit who by producing fruit in the individual reveal that they have been adopted.
I had for a long time been preoccupied with marriage and not being thankful for the gift of singleness. In the end what I have learn it that when I feel lonely is that I have been depriving myself of the fellowship with the body. The problem is that I am naturally a very private person and don't like vulnerability. I have a thick armor and sincerely do not want to let people close enough so that they have the ability to hurt me. Yet when I was able to share where I am and the emotions that go with it, it kills the power that it holds over you when you keep it quiet.
The Christian walk is a journey and is shared with the body one congregates with. This is best when one is surrounded by those that encourage others to deny themselves take up their cross and follow Him.
There is so much to grow in but I hope in looking at Christ all the fear, the problems, my sorrow will be redeemed for His purposes.

A beauty within

Song of Solomon 1:5-6 NASB
"I am black but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, Like the tents of Kedar, Like the curtains of Solomon. "Do not stare at me because I am swarthy, For the sun has burned me. My mother's sons were angry with me; They made me caretaker of the vineyards, But I have not taken care of my own vineyard.

I am not beautiful by any standards. I have dark circles under my eyes no matter how much sleep I get, my hair wild and curly, my skin often dry.....
I have wasted so much time conforming myself attitude wise to be soft spoken and nice, but the reality of who I am is brutally honest to the point of being tactless. I have though stopped trying to please the males of human kind, I still find myself among women and churchfolk bending over backwards to be kind to have a good reputation among them.
I don't know what will come of me but I am seeing through prayer and scripture meditation that God through His Holy Spirit will change that in me, both my attitude and the fear of man.

Love Journal

I feel the need to share some things that I have learned about love. Yes love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast or demand its own way. Love hopes all things, believes all things, love never fails.
It is clear that the love this world puts forth is not love at all. If we love with the love of God it means not having our way. It mean looking out for the good of others. Love means being there and not turning away even when we are not feeling loving. It is giving one's life. It's not meritted but it's there. It's being vulnerable enough to be upset, to be candid and honest, it is letting people know you and love you. God's love is there irregardless of the amount of our good works, whether we are more like Paul or like the thief on the cross. The love of God is there to those who repent and believe by the working of the Holy Spirit. Anyway just contemplating on that today.

Mournful yet always rejoicing

I wonder and am confused by this verse.

2 Corinthians 6:10 ESV
as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.

I have seen people go through pain yet being strengthened in Christ, I am not like that. God is with us in our sorrows. In my mind I know this.

In the verse Paul is speaking of not only himself but others in the ministry

2 Corinthians 6:4-10 ESV
but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; [6] by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true;  as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.

They are persecuted and thought badly of. Yet in Christ they have all they need. Joy is there in the midst of trial.

May God grant me to hold fast to Him in the midst of struggle.

Changes

As Christians each day we must be more and more conformed to the image of Christ. It is not something that we do in and of ourselves. A mind that is set on Christ has peace, has a hope for the future, a mind that is set on the world and the temporal will only be disappointed. I think that is why I am often disappointed because my hope was set on something temporal a change a circumstance.
These verses come to mind immediately when I think of all these things.

Good Friday

At church is the best place to be. This is my favourite time because it's focused on Jesus being resurrected from the dead.

Charm is deceiptful

Proverbs 31:30 ESV
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

It's easy to look good yet hide sin. In my past I had said the right things, and acted on the surface godly but no one knew me. Right now I am struggling with the desire to let people in but the fear when they see that I am worldly, that I struggle with my flesh. Its easy to say I am fine much harder to say what I feel.

Counseling

I go to a counselor every two weeks.  And she says we are going to touch on an area in my life that I hate. It's hard when you know there is a sinful attitude but you are afraid to look at it because of things in the past. Hopefully in looking at it there can be healing.

A steady diet of the word of God

I was at the G3 conference and during a sermon on Sanctification I heard him expound on Bible reading and Scripture memorization. This is a good thing. There are so many verses that uphold the importance of Scripture. It is like gold.... It is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for training in righteousness...... Jesus went through the old testament and using the prophets taught two men on the road to Emmaus who he was. Jesus the Messiah. In the Scriptures one does in a sense find eternal life because it testifies of Jesus.

New Year but Same Old Me!

It is 2018 yet I am still Levita. No matter if my looks change. The one thing that I pray that God through the Holy Spirit will change me. That He will renew my mind and it says in Romans 12,

Romans 12:1-2 ESV
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

That God would day by day conform me to the image of His Son the more that I see Him and grow to love Him more.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

This year I do not have my usual wish.....which was to get married before my birthday. I had made marriage into an idol for a long time. This year I am looking to God to show me what He wants for my life. There is an opportunity for ministry work that I place in the Lord's hands. I have been reading much and see that I have been given a blessing a great opportunity to serve the Lord. Wherever God has me may I say, "Lord I am your handmaid may it be for me as You will."
My life belongs to the Lord and it's hidden in Christ my Saviour.

In a place where Love and Mercy meet

I am thinking of a hymn.

"When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride."

In times where I am overwhelmed it's hard to remember God and the comfort He offers. Yet it's there at the cross where  I need to go everyday not because it need to happen anew. No. I just need to remember God's justice and God's mercy is found at the cross. It is finished.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 ESV
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.