Hard

 I started this post back in September when it was especially hard to be single. I accept it that it may be a possibility that I may be single the rest of my life. That is a hard thing to take. That has not diminished my longing to be married or to have kids. God is the one who is sovereign who draws people together. I pray that my eyes be set on Him and that He would bring a godly man into my life.

Vent

One year. So much can happen in a year. It's been a struggle. I am down spiritually and am trying seeking to be the woman whom God wants me to be.

Yesterday was hard and I mourned. Though I do not mark the day our count the days I find myself sad on those days where something significantly sad happened. I was complimented and I was told that I had been a good girlfriend. So why do I find myself such a loss right now. God give me Grace reveal yourself to me be to me that rock of refuge to which I continually come. Help me to be that woman who will go out and share the gospel. Show me, as I cry out to you, your glory and faithfulness. Do a work in me, in my church, in the world, show yourself mighty. God I echo the psalmist who said "why are you downcast oh my soul and why are you in such turmoil within me hope in God and I will once again praise you." 

So it's been a year 52 weeks and some days are easier than others but you God have been my strength. Thank you God that you are not like man that you should waver. My God is an everlasting God. There's only one and he is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

Running

The back of her legs burn

Lungs labouring 

Feet swiftly being consumed. 

The path before her feet were narrow

Hard and unforgiving 

The prize was priceless

Worth the loss of her life

This race that we run toward the upward call of Christ.

walking

It almost seems right now that I'm alone in the middle of this field this man created prairie walk. I can talk to the Lord and it will be no one around to listen. What more can I tell him that he hasn't already witnessed for his own self. I know that if I confess my sin he is able and just to forgive me my sin and to cleanse me from all righteousness. I remember starting this blog years ago trying to show off my wifely skills you know. The things I've learned how holy I am and yet the more years have passed the more unholy I seem. I have learned to cook I can clean. Those are the skills my mom thought was most useful. I have also gained more of God's word been known to intercede on behalf of others. Today at church was hard it was a tangled web of overwhelming emotions and I don't feel with emotions well at least not sorrow and emotional pain. In my life these past 37 years I have experienced a lot of death and though I know the purpose is not to break me that's exactly what it has done. At times with family I feel like I walk a solitary road. I want to give up everything in order that I might gain Christ and the power of his resurrection you know like the Bible says. So after my emotional sobbing outside far away from others I escaped after church in order not to have to share. Boohoo poor me I'm single. But like my mom always says it's better to be alone than have bad company. I heard in someone's testimony of God bringing them a spouse that they had a blueprint in their mind of who this person would be. Looks wise I could care less character wise I have very high standards because if one is a man of God wouldn't that mean that he would reflect Christ. A man of prayer that would see communion with God as he pours out his heart before him. A man who is in God's word, that it's so fill him that it saturates his speech. That he would want to worship God and all that he does. That he would work heartily for God's glory. So it's not exactly a blueprint but it's a desire of mine but after all this time of waiting I just want to put it to death. I have prayed to that end, but the desire would go, and get it remains. I don't want this to be that thorn in my side that I have to deal with until eternity. Has the walk helped I don't know but God is my strength.

Waiting A Poem

Passing

Seconds

Minutes

Hours

Days 

Weeks

Years

Until a decade passed with this desire

I wanted a covenant

A marriage covenant 

In this life

And though I am promised a heavenly bridegroom

There is still within this heart a desire for an earthly one

When Mourning Comes

So I am going to share some things that are hard that are emotional. I was inflicted emotional pain and afterward was confronted with my desire for marriage during a long walk I inadvertently took. Twice I came across a couple taking engagement photos. I was not able to look clearly at the waterfalls and had to hurry across a bridge because I didn't want to think about it. I don't want to be bitter. I want to trust in the Lord Jesus. So it was a hard day. 

What to do with a hope deferred

 I know that just because I seek the Lord does not mean that what I do is strong-arming the Lord to do as I want. God is not beholden to me but I find myself lonely. I find myself needy. I miss physical closeness. I just don't miss the feeling of being used. I don't know what to do with my feeling except cry out that God  who listens to me and knows me would listen to what the Holy Spirit is crying out for and not any selfish desire.

Desire

Lord, I am here. Waiting upon you. I pray that you will meet with those I will be praying with in a few hours. That your word be my light. That is prayer I cry out for what only you can do according to your will. Please Lord grant me grace to run the race well. 

Sales

Does it ever feel, that when we are trying to join this dating thing, that you're basically a salesperson? You're selling a merchandise and that is who you are.

I go to a small Church in Stillwater. I have been a Christian since 2006. Since embarking on this journey I have seen greatly against God. Sexual sin that was a rebellion against my singleness. I have lost both my parents. God in his mercy has been seeking my good. I am so unworthy.

I have had this desire for a long time and though I know that in glory I will not tell the Lord why did you leave me single. I would just rejoice. It's just that right now the loneliness is hard.

Try again

So I decided to try online dating and it's mentally tiring. I built up a profile with my best most recent picture. I set forth what I am looking for. Its been 10 years with this desire to be a wife and mother. I realize though that though it is a desire that I have it is a possible that it will never be realized this side of the veil. I have to be okay with that.

Dream

There are times when the things I dream are about future events. Those are like wisps of clouds that disappear with the morning sun. That when the moment arises there is a strange sense of deja vu. My dream yesterday was not like that. I was moving and I was leaving town with my dad. He had sold the house and fast. I was leaving my sister behind. I was ready to leave but thought my dad was being demanding. He commanded me "Levita don't look at history!" Then I danced one last dance to Christian music with my sister before I was to leave. What that means I do not know but it does remind me of this bible verse.

Philippians 3:13-14 ESV

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Love

 I find that about this time of year I truly want to share what I have learned about love. What most people go to is 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, love is kind, love does don't boast or demand its own way. These are all true. God shows his love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. 

God loves not like man does. Its not about looks, its about character and the work he does. The romantic side of me longs for all the trappings. Yet I was hurt and wounded and what I felt spurned so I kind of do not want to take another chance. Yet I trust that God's love does not fail.

in Christ Alone

I am sure a lot of people have heard the phrase "Jesus saves". I am sure even as a child I heard that. Now as an adult I know more of what that means. That God redeems a people deserving of condemnation and it turn takes that condemnation upon himself. That He lived that life that we could not. Yet God saves to the uttermost. He will not allow you to remain in sin. 

Ezekiel 36:26-27 ESV

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.

I am throughly dismayed at how easy believism has taken over the church and it needs to be admonished and rebuked. Jesus has set us free from sin so why would we go back to be enslaved by the very sin that placed Christ on the cross. I'm going to try by the grace of God to say the truth in love but to say the truth regardless. I don't want people to perish believing that they're okay. 

Praying that God allows for more opportunities.

Thoughts January 30, 2021

I have found myself time and time again seeking to encourage brothers and sisters in the faith all around the world to seek the Lord while there is time. I don't want to be deceived into thinking that I'm okay if I haven't fully surrendered to the Lord. I also don't want to be one of those who presume in God's grace upon me and yet not even having a desire to love him as I should. So I'm here at home very very tired and weary and I don't know where the Lord will lead me but I know that time is not guaranteed to us. God I want to seek you into worship you and spirit and the truth. To not find my self-worth in what other people think of me but in what you have done for me. God please magnify your name in my life and please help me to kill this in within me make me holy as time goes on and allow me to just be with you in the name of your son Jesus I pray, Amén.

Goodbye

It is the Fourth day of the year 2021 and I realize that I have let some things affect me in ways I said I would never let a person do. Last year I sought to love sacrificially in a relationship, to love as Christ would have me do. I had found that those who know the Lord would know to love like that. I have to let go of any feelings of being wronged, of seeking my own desires because they do not profit. If a man was to reflect God in how they love someone, it would be to love them in spite of their sin but constantly pointing them to the cross. To cherish them and count them as higher than self, to serve well. To lead a person closer to Christ rather than further away. Anyway as I say goodbye to the old year I will not forget, I will forgive and let go of any bitterness and anger. I will be thankful that God brought about His purposes and not my own. 

I do still have a desire to get married. I do want to run the Christian race with someone, I do want kids. Yet it's God's will that will prevail. So God Your will be done in my life.