Too early God

So tired. I don't like waking up in the middle of the night. God is good in all his works.

Psalm 145:16-19 ESV

You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing. 

The LORD is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. 

The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. 

He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.

It has been a learning experience. I usually observe and am able to gather information on social interactions. This time Since it is personal I made so many mistakes but God is good and rectified it. I will keep my thoughts about it private. What have I learned that I compromised in what I wanted, someone to pray with, to read the Bible with, who is not content with just church on Sundays... 

God you have been with me and have hemmed me in. I wonder what you want from me but I know that your plan for my good. Help us that you may heal any pain and remove our sin as far as the east is from the west. Make us desire your word. Seek Your Face desire your will. Please be with my church has we desire you above all else. Please bless my friends in all that they entail. I know Your hand shall guide me all the days of my life. I submit to you. Thank you for fixing what I tried to mend by worldly means. 

Your grace is sufficient for me, that is what you showed me in the prayer cabin.

Day 14

 Sigh

LITERARY

feel a deep yearning for (someone or something lost, unattainable, or distant).

Yep that is what I feel. It has been 2 weeks yet I am blind as to how this time has helped. I have spent more time in God's word which it always a good thing. I have seen my impatience and bossiness. Was I better off when my bitter heart would go for sin to appease my sick heart? Obviously not.

I have longed to be married since I was 24 when I saw in the Bible what it could be. My dreams yesterday had me waking up angry. I am now just in turmoil. I am weary and tired and I really don't want to be around anyone today but I know being around brothers and sisters in Christ will help.

God please help, please.

Thoughts

 It was hard going through items and knowing that they were once treasured and now it's just a reminder. My family got together to clean the house. It was hard.

I took a look at the photo albums my brother kindly created for our family. They held so many memories. It is very hard because now in looking at their past it is more clear now that they are not around. What will we be doing light of this? 

One day.... When I close my eyes that final time and I will step away from the pain from the curse from hardship from human frailty....... And my body will be swallowed up by life.....

Day 13

Almost two weeks and its been hard. I realize the necessity but that does not make the kind of dejected feeling I have go away. God is a comfort and has been helpful and has shown his love and care for me.

His word God's word reminds me of His nature and who He is and I love that God is who his words say he is.

Today is a hard day my siblings and I will be cleaning my dad's house. It will be hard to see what he left behind. Even though we are all adults. Cancer is evil I have seen what it does to people and it does not leave anyone unscathed when a loved one suffers from it. 

It is indiscriminate taking both the young and old..... 

I need Jesus. Praying that the God of all comfort will be with us.

Day 12

 I was distracted yesterday and managed to waste so much time reading scifi novels.  What a waste of time.

What have I learned that the Christian Life though consumed by God is not like a big church service 24/7 it's also enjoying what God has provided but walking the fone line of not being distracted from what truly matters. What does this look like? Making God the most important part of your life. Be in the moment love on those around you, other interests are good but not allowing them to take so much of your time and energy. 

So I am at times a hopeless romantic. I want that love that God puts inside a person for the one who will be their spouse. I want to be at a point of having godly leadership and submitting to it. I don't care of it's a new concept as long as there is effort made. Baby steps are okay because even with that is does end up far. 

I am really opinionated.

Father you are the giver of good gifts and even though I fear the future I will trust that You have good in mind for those who love You. Please do a work in us, and reveal Your will, Your ability to change us because though each of your children is different and so is their walk we are all heading in the same direction on the same path. Help us to mature in our faith because of Jesus.

Day 11

 I woke up this morning to an email asking if I was all right because of riots. I don't watch TV so I had no knowledge of anything that happened. I seriously think people who buck against God given law are rebelling against God.

Psalm 2:1-4 ESV

Why do the nations rage and the peoples plot in vain? The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together, against the LORD and against his Anointed, saying, "Let us burst their bonds apart and cast away their cords from us." He who sits in the heavens laughs; the Lord holds them in derision.

God is in charge. I was able to yesterday to hang out with a friend, then speak to another friend I have not seen for a while. God knows that I need the support and God has been showing me his love and support.

Father, because of your Son I come to you knowing you withhold no good thing from those who walk uprightly. God your ways are higher than my way and your thoughts infinitely higher than my thoughts. There has been so much sorrow this year and though I am weak and tired I know you will bring me through. Your will be done. Please make us strong in you willing to lay aside the sin that clings so closely. Let us count everything as loss compared the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus, our Lord. God magnify your name in our lives. Amen.

Day 10- way too early

For a long time I have kept a journal on what a biblical idea of love. It became as overly long manifesto preaching to myself what love is. 

The love that God has for us is a perfecting love that loves us as we are but is constantly wanting us to be more made into the likeness of Jesus. He wants us to be in a close relationship with Him because He is good and with him there is fullness of joy.

I have since the age of 8 had a fascination with romantic love. I was given a romance novel by my aunt and it unfortunately led to much pain and heartache. A mess of tears and wishing and longing for what it has seemed easy for others to have. 

Since I am a mix of a realist and a romantic I have wavered in my views going from a great passionate sweeping declarations knocking me off of my feet love and a pragmatic companion with whom I will share my life with, run the Christian race with, talk to one another about what God has taught us that day. To be able to weather joys and sorrows with. 

So what is it. Love is accepting a person how and who they are, wanting to grow in Jesus together, wanting to maintain purity and yet wanting them with you. 

This week will be very busy, dinners with friends, cleaning my dad's house, church.... Pray that God's will be done. That He shower his grace and kindness, that we not be content with doing the motions of a lackluster faith but that we desire to love God, with ever increasing zeal and passion. May our ways and days be committed to Jesus. Amen.

Day 9

Praying and being in the word is such a help to the Christian life. I think it is easy to be diverted from truly loving Christ by good things or good ideals but its tries to take your attention from what truly matters. We want to be ambassadors for Christ telling people to be reconciled to Christ. So many people are not hearing the gospel but they are hearing so much about temporal concerns. The lost are dying without a saviour. 

I know that there are things going on in the world that need to be addressed but as Christians we do not want to to like the Ephesian church who lost their first love. I want to love God more and in turn love others more. Society has crimes and ills that will not stop. The work that God does in changing hearts of stone into hearts of flesh begins the Holy Spirit using the proclamation of God's law to convict sinful man of their guilt before God and because of that God's just wrath anger and punishment against sin will be upon them. Only through the, sinless life, and sacrifice that Christ, son of God, fully God and fully man, made on the cross can we be saved from the punishment that we deserve.

I miss evangelism. I miss the opportunities God had provided to share with the lost their ever present need for a saviour. Jesus saves to the uttermost. 

This morning I have not felt well. Still don't feel well. Hopefully I will feel better by the end of the day.

Still praying that God gives wisdom and will heal us from our past and our sins in our relationship. 

Day 8

 It was hard getting up this morning. I woke up 20 minutes before I was to leave. I was unable to truly meet the Lord like I want but I will seek to meet the Lord throughout the day. 

I have worried but I have prayed throughout these days for wellbeing and safety. I have missed different things his sweetness, mischievousness, his enthusiasm, him openness in confessing hard things. I do see a lot of who he is and I am not blind to any weaknesses but I love and care for this person that God put into my life. What will happen on the 30th I don't know God does. I just feel uncertain and I hate that feeling yet I have found no matter what I do not know the future I cannot map it out.

God, please bear with me. I know my faith is small. Please help me. I ask that you draw us close to you, keep us safe, guide our minds and that we may have opportunities to share about what Jesus accomplished on the cross on our behalf. God please direct our paths and help us to glorify your name by how we live our lives. Thank you God, that you are a God who hears and delivers us from all our fears.

Day 7

Yesterday I spent time with my family. I saw beautiful sights and God created such beauty but even that was finite. The boat tour captain said that overnight a small part of the island fell into the lake.

This week has been hard for me. It made me realize that in the past year so much has changed and what has been so much a part of every day. Love and care, worry, and this past week I have been bringing him before the Lord. I miss him though.

God please be here and help me and cause me to worship you in spirit and in truth. Help us to understand your words. Help us to live by the very word that helps us to know you more. Your motivation your love, your power, your faithfulness. 

Change us to your likeness,in Jesus name. Amen.

Day 6- Just past midnight

I arrived after 3 pm yesterday to the prayer cabin. I was awakened by the storm, me who have slept through an earthquake.

After spending time with the Lord I realize that I am not letting God deal with the sin in my life. I live my life as if I am still condemned by my actions. Still live not believing that His work on the cross could be for me. How could He forgive me when I find myself committing the same sin believing myself to still be the same person I was before He saved me.

There is great emptiness in sin. It will lie and say that it will help. That it will remove the desires of the flesh when sin always demands more from the sinner and paralyzes the believer that they may not bear fruit. But I must believe that Jesus has overcome the world, has overcome my flesh, has filled me with the Holy Spirit that I don't believe the lie that says "How can God love you after all that you have done?"

"God sees me in the light of His Son." I must die to sin and live by the sustaining of the Holy Spirit a holy life before the Lord.

God I am weak but You are strong. I have nothing good in my flesh and I know you desire purity in the inward parts. Cleanse me and I shall be clean. Wash us whiter than snow God and help us not feel the condemnation the evil one would have us feel. Revive our hearts that we might seek Your face, Your presence.

May we fight this Christian battle with the sword of Your word. Help us to put on the full armor of God that we might stand fast against the fiery darts of the enemy.

Help my brothers and sisters in Christ who are weak and weary of the fight sustain them. Those who suffer for the sake of Your name. Give them strength to persevere to the end. Hold them fast.

Jesus, may this be done for the glory of Your Name. Amen.

Day 5- Day off

After being able to schedule a day off I woke up at 4:50 am. This has been a very disciplined week but has it fed my worship and love for God? 

I know that the Christian faith is not a set of duties. That though the laws will not pass away that does not mean to obey they a certain percentage makes us right with God. Is also does not mean to live like we have no law because Jesus paid it all. It means in loving Him wanting to please him by living holy lives by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Disdain for the law at its roots is a rebellion against the God that compells one to not steal, not covet, not to disobey mother and father, and of much importance not to blaspheme, treat lightly the name of God, Jesus..... 

So, going back to the beginning before going down the rabbit trail,  reading the Bible, praying, and even singing hymns and spiritual songs are worthless if done as a check mark of things I have to do to get an answer, to try to strongarm God to giving me my desires, yet if they are just ways to want to know Him, God, Jesus more then it is of infinite worth. 

And this is eternal life that they might know you the One True God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. John 17:3

God help us to abide in you. To want to know You as you are. To seek Your will Your glory. Help us to reflect your Son and His mercy. LORD thank you for displaying your love through what Jesus did in dealing with our sin on the cross. Please humble us in light of what you accomplished for us. May you light up our paths until we reach the promise land where your grace and glory dwell.

I will seek to find my rest in you.

Day 4

This week has been very different. Got up today and was able to read a prophesy about Jesus in the book of Jeremiah. I like it when the prophets proclaim truth yet unknown to them about the coming Messiah. Jesus is the object of our faith, without him we have no hope of salvation.

I thought about the actions that I took, the sin I committed. I confessed my sin to God and am hoping that as his word promised that if I confess my sin He is faithful and just to forgive me my sin and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. That He will do so. That He will renew my mind to keep my thoughts pure. I have found it easier this week though I find myself wishing it were different. Yet I know that if it helps it would be a good thing. 

I am missing my dad today, dreamed about him last night. For some reason I actually dreamed a few days ago that He invited people to a dinner party and he invited people from our past. It was very strange....

I am planning out my weekend. Hopefully not filling it with activity that I may not think. 

Poem- Outcomes

Its not for you to know

What if I falter

Its not for you to know

What if my hopes are not realized

Then My plans are better for you

And if my heart is sick

Then I bind you up

And if I lose my faith

I promised that as my child no one can snatch you out of my hand

My fears are too great Lord

Didn't I say fear not for I am with you be not dismayed for I am your God

I am too weak Lord

My power is made perfect in weakness

Lord help my unbelief that I will rest upon You.

Day 3

 What is love? (Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.....) 

The Bible is really clear about love, love is patient (I have not been patient). Love is kind, love does not envy or boast. I envy friends who have that. Love does not demand its own way (I demand my own way all the time). Love hope all things believes all things, love never fails. I am sure I am missing portions of it. 

I am afraid that the feelings I have, are they idolatrous? Honestly my walk though screwed is more honest than it ever has been. I am open about my sin which I usually hide until I am ready to go back to church.... I want God to be preeminent in my life and I also have a desire for marriage and children. What would true love look like? Love would want me to love Jesus more, to walk in a manner worthy of Christ, would want purity, to put everything in God's hands, to love others.

I am an emotional mess right know yet it's okay. I am seeking the Lord to reveal His will. Praying for God to help us, to heal any hurt, to strengthen us whatever happens, to love one another rightly, to want more than anything to love God.

Love would take a person as they are and pray for them to grow in Christ-likeness. 

Day 2

I slept all night yet still wanted to sleep longer. I was reading in Revelation 19 and in reading it I got excited of the fact that Jesus, Faithful and True, King of Kings, and Lord of Lords will vindicate His righteousness in view of all men. Those who rise up against the Lord and against His Anointed will be brought low and His holy ones will be clothed in white linen. 

I have no energy but I was able to read God's word and to pray a little. I just feel depleted but I need to buck up and do what I have to for the sake of being true to God in my life. My sister suggested I go somewhere this weekend. I was thinking of doing the prayer cabins as a spiritual retreat. Hopefully I will be able to do this. In the meanwhile I pray get in the word, tell him where I am at, and ask Him what is His will. It will be two weeks of struggling, comfort, God's grace, and hopefully His word encouraging me but it does not mean I miss him any less..... Praying that His grace his power will uphold us. 

Day 1

I woke up at 5 today very tired but I figured God wanted me to wake up and spend some time with Him. I am trying to learn what does it mean to truly surrender even if it means not having the outcome I want. I know what I would like to happen but the part of me that knows God's word know that I have to be open to go wherever he leads me. My life has changed so much since He opened my eyes to His power and His glory, and yet His irresistible grace tells me intellectually that He loves me. That He is always there to answer when I call on Him. Its just hard to believe in the midst of feeling like He always takes away. I know I know I am not supposed to say never and always especially when it is not true. He has given me new friends and so much grace. 

I am so used to saying good morning, thinking about you, praying for you, love you..... Ugh I am so mushy...... Anyway my prayer is that you are safe, that God pour His love on us and show up in amazing ways, that His word will fill us and comfort us, that God will turn our eyes to Him. That we listen to what He has for us. That we grow in our faith and not become complacent in seeking Him above all else.

In the end no matter what happens all I have is Christ. I have to be content with Him no in whatever state I am in, married or single, surrounded by people or all alone. 

My life as a sacrifice

 It's easy in my life to hold things that are dear to me to my chest. To tell the Lord "No I will cling to these things and you shall not have them......" Yet isn't God greater than the gifts that He has given us. Is his mercy, his faithfulness, his glory worth keeping temporal things?

I will be honest and say that this morning I was rejoicing in the Lord.  So filled with joy that He met me. Then this afternoon I came face to face with something that I was advised by a sister in the Lord about 7 weeks ago. What will come of these two weeks I do not know. But this month and 7 days has reiterated that God is sovereign over our lives and no matter how much we count others to be there. They are finite, even them being there is not counted upon. I am awash in feelings. I hate being emotional. Hey I can be happy all day long but when it come to what has been going on this year has been a torrent of change, mourning, and wanting to change the trajectory of my life. Yet I have to keep the gifts I have been given with open hands because in the end all I have belongs to God.

God I will submit to whatever you demand of me. In hard times I will bless your name hoping that though weeping may last through the night joy comes with the morning.