Giving a Desire to God

I need to grow up and it is about time. I have struggled so long but I realize that I have put much time into worrying about it. For long I have spoken about how courtship should go and that people must go about it in a way that would glorify God. I will wait for God's timing on it. I am not going to get my name out there or worry about what the future will bring.  Its a constant thing and reminder. My life is not how I have lined it up. I will live my life in a way that will honor God by relying solely upon him. God has helped me out so much. I will seek God and let him guide my steps. I won't worry about tomorrow for todays troubles are enough for today.

Preparation

I am about to turn 25 in 13 days. In general I do not ask for anything. I just want a peaceful quiet time with family but in general it never works out in such a manner. So my sincerest want is that I am not putting  the things of this world first. I have had a bad habit of putting my eyes onto things that I will not take with me when I leave this world. So what should I ask for. That Christ might be glorified that instead of thinking about Jack Frost, Frosty the Snowman, Santa Claus, and Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer people might see that it is about the Son of God, Jesus Christ born in Bethlehem who died for the sin of the World. It is not about the presents it is about Christ. 

Living to Glorify God

I live with family and I am not going to say anything about their walk. I realize that I am in another stage. I have been down. I have surrendered to him. I have other things I must surrender. I have so much sorrow when it comes to others but God has been good to me and continues to be good. God is in control and I will pray that he will work in the people I know. 

See in Me

I see so many things rolling inside me. My flesh is doing battle with the Spirit of God who is growing me in holiness. The things I want to do I cannot do. 

I am angry at my older sister and I am wrong. She rejects God and it makes me angry. I cannot see how anyone can refuse so great a salvation. I give her over to the hands of God I can do nothing. I can't push people into growing in holiness. How much can I say. I stumble, I am a sinner. I need my savior each day. I don't ever want to be complacent about reading the bible, about gathering with other believers. About evangelizing. I want to proclaim our state before God and Christ Crucified. I deserve Hell but The only Savior paid the penalty for my sin. I am wicked yet He drank the cup of God's wrath draining it. In three hours Christ suffered more than any sinner would in hell. Do you think really God standards his justice is so weak. He slew his own Son because he hated sin so much. Sin requires punishment we are wretched evil vile corrupted worms .

Trials

My mom has cancer once again. I am among charismatics who believe if you say it you claim it. If you have enough faith healing will happen. What happens when it does not? No, matter what I know God is with me and I will cling to him. I know God heals but it is not up to us. It is not by our faith or lack of it. It is not due to the past, it is all in the hands of God. Should we take the good from God but not the bad even though it may mean He wants us not to rely on ourselves but only on our Savior and God.

Preaching Online

I feel blessed that my brother pointed out an opportunity for me to still be a witness even if it is online. Yet I want so much to do open air preaching yet I need encouragement and to have other believers with me good fellowship provides that. Anyway I have been around an issue I had one disagreement and just cut myself from the situation. I have so much going on right now. I want more than anything that my life may be used to glorify God. He knows my inner thought so I do not have to say more. I am entrusting my future to His hands. I wish I could know what happens to me in the future. I love this saying I heard it at the end of Ten Shekels and a Shirt so I will use it now May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His sufferings. Let my life be lived for Christ that whatever happens I will submit to Him. 

Not Right

I have been neglecting fellowship I decided to stay home. I have not been evangelizing at all and you know what I long for that. Why do I seek what is not of the Lord. God should be first and I should proclaim Him from the roof tops. We are filthy rotten creatures who do not deserve the mercy of God yet He was willing to die for us while we nailed Him to the cross with our crimes. We need Him don't think you don't. I don't ever want to turn away from Jesus.

An Idol of the mind

Hosea 6:4-7

"O Isreal and Judah what should I do with you?" asks the Lord. "For your love vanishes like the morning mist and disappears like dew in the sunlight. I sent my prophets to cut you to pieces-to slaughters you with my words, with judgements as inescapable as light. I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings. But like Adam, you broke my covenant and betrayed my trust.

I  too have broken that covenant even now when the LORD has been merciful to a sinner like me. Why do I not love Him as He should be loved. Why do I not give Him more of my time. Other thoughts prevail rather than meditating on His sacredness. I would talk of thing of a biblical nature yet not use the word. The word He gave us by which to live. My walk has been stagnant yet I have learned that He has been merciful in showing me.

Love the Lord your God with all your soul heart and mind.

Yet what do I put in my mind rather than the things of God. I am ashamed. I hope to change I hope I become wiser in my walk. I have coveted an ideal. I have set it up on a pedestal, marriage and courtship in my mind. I was wrong. For that I have to pray for. I was created to glorify God and that is the manner in which I should live. To cling to the cross and relish in His mercy. God save me and change me. 

Fellowship

Being around Christians gives me such joy. God has given me so much joy in my life. Being a lone ranger Christian does not work fellowship gives Christians encouragement, aid, and being around others. Going to church and meditating on God words singing songs of praise to my God and King I will follow Him and not take shame of the cross of Christ. I will endeavor to put Jesus first.

Marriage

I know couples who have married and are now separated and I have seen people who are unhappily married. 

I have seen people who hurt each other because they want more, seeking what love can give them. They sought more the magic of infatuation rather than the reality of two imperfect sinners. When I look over the differences between men and women I rejoice at the handiwork of God. When I was younger I saw men as less than what God made them to be. I would have bashing sessions with my sisters demeaning those I did not even know. I was wrong I had used my anger and bitterness and hatred I was wrong. I put too much stock in finding Mr. Right that that would bring me happiness. I was wrong. It is weird I hated to admit my guilt. 

Marriage is where two people who are not compatible but created for the other become one.  It is not about dresses and tuxedo, or meal it is about what comes after the honeymoon. 

Marriage I have learned is about living day to day lives. Go through the little things about taking care of a place, chores, and personal lives. It is about sharing lives, having children, and living life I do not know how to explain it maybe if I had mentors of married couples I would feel better. 

I have no guidance, my parents only knew each other a month before they were married. They do not feel like I do. None of my siblings feel as I do. They think I am crazy but the reality is I am thinking biblically.

Future

I do not know what is in my future. I know that their is so much I want to do but I want to be sure that it is God behind me wanting to be in missions and not my desire to travel. 

There is so many thoughts that are in my head. There is fear of an upcoming appointment with a doctor. There is church membership I am seeking at Bethlehem Baptist Church. I am worried about tomorrow when it says in the bible in Matthew 6:34 "So don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today. "

I am unfinished and I will remain unfinished until the day I die. I am 24 with so much growing to do. I am still a child in the ways of the Lord. I want so much for the future to happen now. My impatience is showing. I want to know will I remain single? Will God save my older sister? Will this job work out? Am I living my life for the glory of God? Will I ever do missions? 

The worry is going away God is in control. I am assured that He does everything for His glory. I am satisfied with that. Thank You, God.

Not Talking

Gossiping is wrong and evil. People take glee in it and I am guilty of it. It is like vultures chewing on a carcass it has been dead for days. Just stop. Stop talking. What does God say about a malicious tongue?

Poison, it spews out of mouth like a wicked thing. Loving to talk about depravity. 

Stop talking. What you expose of other people will be exposed of you. We talk yet God reveals our iniquities. Do you think you can talk about other peoples deeds yet I know I have done worse. God help us, each one of us is evil with a heart of stone who needs Jesus to breath life into us.

Only by His life do we come alive.

Waiting on God

I remember the times when I speak to a cousin or aunt I have not seen in a long time. The first thing they ask me, "Do you have a boyfriend?" Then when I tell them no I don't even date they try set me up. Yet since this was in the past lets just say I would be the first one near the door saying okay find me a man. 

They did not seem to realize they were dealing with something that did not need a man for it to fix. I needed God that I may have seen that I was not thinking of being true to anyone I just wanted to see if it would finally appease a loneliness and self-hatred sin had brought me to. I just wanted to see if I would be loved for me. I have done many bad things. I have at one point in my life actually hated the male half of the human species.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and look into my desperate gaze during those troubled years and just say you don't need a man you need Jesus.

God brought me to himself.

What I have learned is that one should not date/court unless they are ready for marriage. One should during times together have an accountability couple with them. They should talk about values, future plans, past issues, should have real friendship, should get to know the person not only from what they themselves say and do but through their parents, siblings, and other church members, they should discuss, goals, expectations for marriage, and how they intend to maintain Christian values (most of this taken from Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship).

When I see people who put all their hope in love, then are crushed. I want to sit them nearby hold their hand and ask them, "Are you done trying to search for joy using your own strength?", "Are you finally willing to submit your whole life to the One who can bring you everlasting joy?", I want to tell them, you are settling for so little seeking what will only be temporary. Yet they go on believing that if they maintain in the course they are going they will find favorable results. 

Real love does not seek its own way, it is serving one another looking at the other person as better than ourselves. It is loving as Christ loved the church. I want everyone to know that today's "secular marriages" are nothing, cannot even begin to compare to the awe of two people who love God more than anything, set their sights on marriage. I hope for that myself when I am ready.

I hope I did not go into too many different tangents.

Church

The Church I currently attend has services Saturday and Sunday. It is a big church so the only people I know are part of a small singles groups. It was explained to me that it used to be called B.A.S.I.C. (bag a spouse in church). I doubt sincerely that it works out that way. 

But I know that to a lot of singles finding someone to marry is an issue. A lot of time some create a singles group only to fill the time with activity until a spouse comes along. The ones I think that work are ones that serve God by giving discipleship, reading the word, worshiping, and fellowship. I like that and find it to be a blessing unfortunately due to the fact that I cannot drive I often cannot go. I hope to learn to drive soon that way I will be able to be more involved in church. I hope within 2 months I will be able to get my license. 

My sincerest desire is to go to the mission fields for God.

Following the Narrow Way

One cannot be separated from the world yet still love the things of this world. Would God want me to watch on TV characters that blaspheme his name, that though it may be "fiction" break many of his commandments on screen. 

Yet I think laws are meant to make a person see their lack in the eyes of God. The law cannot save us but when God saves a person they want to submit to him live by his word. It may be different for each person. For me it is going out and proclaiming the Gospel, living not by this world but how God says. 

Sometimes I feel like an outcast in my own family though. I watch preaching and a half own commentary each day. I go on myspace. I used to even preach online in Yahoo! Chat. 

What I am having a hard time with is with the question, what makes a real Christian? They have to grow. They have to love the word of God. They have to be more sanctified today than they were yesterday. They cannot seek after God for solely what He can give. God is not a genie.

I want His Glory to be first and foremost on my mind but it is not. What was this morning on my mind was a nightmare I had yesterday. Today I am going to church, next week I have the membership classes. It will be cutting off the final tie I have with the previous church I had attended.

It had gotten to the point where I was Martha in that church serving and serving and not looking to kneeling at the feet of Jesus. Faith without works is dead but we are saved by grace through faith not by works or people would try to boast.

I really need discipleship but I don't know who can help me.

Work in Progress

Temptations come and go but God is everlasting.

I am 24 with standards based on the bible. I am young and still becoming wiser. To the many people I know I am a throwback. I am old fashioned in my thinking and modest in my appearance.

I still have my moments when I stumble mostly when I become prideful and believing I could do things on my own.

Things I have come to believe:

• One must submit to God in all things
• A believer cannot be yoked with a non-believer
• Dating is not right it encourages intimacy without marriage
• If I am watching something on the TV yet has blasphemy and sexual content I turn it off

There is more but I will hold on that.

A lot of times when I speak to people I know they think I am weird. Since when did doing what is right, good, and moral become weird and backwards.

I have said to people I have never dated. I think the courtship model is is the best one when contemplating marriage. Christians should never think about becoming in any way involved with someone who is not Christian. God has to be first and foremost and work done to glorify the One who gave us life.

The Past

There are many who would brag about the bad things they have done yet still say they are a good person. From God I have learned better. I was addicted to porn for nine years from from the time I was 13 until I turned 22. I prided myself on that even though I had seen the worse of the worse at least I never acted it out. 

Yet all of that was just as bad. How dare I judge someone who has committed other forms of sexual immorality? Yet that is what I was. To God it is just as bad. All condemned.

The things about my sin is that I knew it was wrong. All of it bad, I would cry after capitulating time and time again. Yet I would do something worse.

How could I have ever thought that what I was doing brought me happiness, pleasure. It was all but a smokescreen. What God has given me is lasting.