Thoughts at 4 am Thursday and same day at 11 pm then at 6 am

At four in the morning the rooster crowed from my alarm clock. I had gone to sleep trusting in the Almighty Sufficient Christ who in Revelations is to wipe every tear from their eyes. I woke up sorrowed, yet even through it I cried out to God that He may set my mind on the things above. It was such a battle yet I knew this. I am clothed in the righteousness of Christ it is no longer I who live but Christ in me.

Muchas cosas pasan alrededor de mi. Siento como si mucho cambia pero mis circunstancias no cambian. Pero esta vida esta en las manos de Dios. Estoy en este carro pero estoy millas de este lugar. Soy amarga voy a decirlo como es. Dios conoce mi corazón. Estoy cansada mi espalda siente como es una roca. Yo tengo solamente a Dios y no es nada para ser triste. Si hay momentos cuando tengo satisfacción en donde Dios me tiene pero ahora veo que Dios me esta conformando para cerca humilde como su Hijo.

I woke up and I do not know where I stand but beg God save me from this body of flesh. God be glorified in my life. I want God what else do I have.

Missions, preaching, and being a woman

Since my college days I wanted to be a peace corps volunteer. When God saved me in 2006 that changed into wanting to do missions work. Now fast-foward to 2009 when I went to California because of a deep desire to evangelize, to be a witness. I want to see the lost saved and God made me a woman. I have a role God has called me to yet where does that leave the yearning to go and proclaim, where does that leave my desire to be sent... God is so great and terrifying. He says live and we live, He shuts and opens doors. I will submit to what God wants, His will be done and I will be honest this terrifies me. I wanted to be a missionary, I wanted to be an evangelist, I even wanted to be a wife and mother but I lay it before the Lord. May I die that God may dwell in me more richly. I want to cry but if this is what it takes not to have a shallow "christianity", let it be done. I lay it before God my life my all its His anyway. God to You belongs the power, the glory, the dominion, the majesty, the glory forever and ever. Amen.

In the Valley

God sets the feet of His people on high places.

I work for the county, pension, life insurance... The Lord has provided and is showing me not to cling to this.

God is revealing pride and impatience, wanting my secret desires to come true rather than wanting God's will done.

Today was back and forth for me periods of crying out to God in between times of work and my own sin. I have been literally in tears and I hate it.

Brokenness over sin, over my life, over my coldness at times. I do not know God as I ought , trust as I should.

I have given my desires to the Lord and I am dying to them. They have been with me long and have been used to inspire coveting, idolatry, ungodly fear.

Christ help me. Please help me and magnify your name.