My Life today

I am pouring over old journals and poems. Reading about what love is from the Bible. There is so much to say about love and over John 15 in my devotions today I read that love is a man laying down his life for his friends. Then later on in the letters that Paul wrote for the church he says that a husband must lay down his life for his bride reflecting Christ and the church, His Bride. 

I love writing and being able to record my thoughts but I have been slacking and my distraction is not a bad thing. Yet I want to remember and set up a stone of remembrance in my mind to remember the faithfulness and beauty of Jesus Christ. To spend time with the Lord in prayer. To exalt His name in song. To remember what he has done from the beginning of time, his work of creation until now.

Thank you God for all that You have done and continue to do. Open blind eyes to see your loving kindness in sending your Son to be a sacrifice for sin. Please keep my eyes on you and pour your love in me that I may love others. Please keep and guide my church family, my family, my friends, and the man you have put in my life. Give us eyes to see your Glory. In Jesus name Amen.

Early

I think at times there's a reason why I don't keep up with the blog like I would like to and maybe it has to do with self-examination. What has what has God been teaching me?  How has God turn my heart away from sin? In the book of 1st Thessalonians at the end of this list of things that sink could be taken as things that we have to do in order to gain the grace of God it says in the end God is faithful he will surely do it. For me it has been easy to struggle with singleness for years and and at times yes it's an idol that I keep away from the Lord and it's also something that I bring to the Lord all the time too. The Bible says to put to death the deeds of the flesh... to live in the spirit is life and peace. There has been so much change and upheaval in my life things changing circumstances seeming to stay the same. To be honest I have so much unbelief there even though but by God's grace I've been able to take in so much scripture. There is I guess talking to this lady today at the coffee shop has me realizing that God's word is living and active and I'm able to by God's grace able to Lord willing to talk to others about what's going on with them but when it comes to my own circumstances it just seems silent or I don't want to hear it. So what should I do during those times should I go hide away from others or should I fight. Today I've been struggling with wanting to be alone and lick my wounds. No one has done anything wrong and no one wanted to ignore me, no I wasn't invisible, but part of me was so afraid that if I talk to someone they would know that I'm struggling and I'm struggling greatly. God's word is sufficient and profitable. I really have to examine am I trusting in the Lord. I read his promises but wonder if they are for me. I am reminded of that hymn that says "great is thy faithfulness". God is faithful we are only faithful if we live by the Spirit. What does that look like? It means that when a loved one is dying, we find our strength in the plans and purposes of God. It means that if you're infertile and cannot have kids, God is the one who knits us in our mother's womb. Whether he grants us kids or not. It means that when I am lonely and want all the trappings of marriage, that God's love is more than sufficient, it is all that I need. May God grant his grace upon my life that though I will always struggle and I know that I will but he has something else in store for me. To you Lord Jesus be the glory for all that you have done in salvation and all that you are doing praise you. Praise is due to you O God and Zion and to you shall vows be performed. O you who hear prayer to you shall all flesh come.

Running

I want to escape at times. Escape from the mundane things in my life. The duties and responsibilities I fulfill. The moments when I want to do something feel an overwhelming urge to do something then question it wondering if the actions I am thinking undertaking is of God or am I seeking to draw attention to myself. I was with a group of women from my church. I had spent time making little tea sandwiches. Yet I just did not want to come I just wanted freedom. To say I feel not a part of everything. I come and participate but for so woefully out of step with everyone. I pray that I will live by the Spirit and not by the flesh.

Been a minute

Has it been so long since I have written. More than prayer requests and confessions. Confessing my unbelief and seeking to wholeheartedly lay my life in your hands and not seeking to keep a portion back. My longings for a child, for a marriage not built by thievery or bribery, where I promise to be what he wants only for that sake of love. God has shown me time and time again that I need His love not the counterfeit love built on works. Yet there are days when I set them up as an idol hidden within me and in rebellion I hold fast to the dream rather than God.
I will be honest with each silver strand that becomes mixed in with my ebony curls I clung more closely to the dream, the fantasy, and I right now know. God says to lay those desires on the altar, to be purified. My submission to God is not perfect and part of me screams within me that God demands my singleness for a lifetime, no kids. His ways are better. He wants my good whatever his plans for me are. I need to be just a sister and a friend. To not give my heart to the possibility of more, but to love the Lord and lay my life down in love. God sees my frame and knows I am but dust. He calls me out from the winter cold of my selfishness into the glory of His redemption. He has bought me and called me by name. I am His and He is mine. Accomplished by himself. Whatever life God has for me may I live it by the Spirit of God working God's will within me.

How does revival happen

I have been reading about the Korean Revival. It has been a blessing to read about it. I realize that God's promises in His word are true.
James 4:6-10 ESV
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
Also
Hebrews 8:10-12 ESV
For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. And they shall not teach, each one his neighbor and each one his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more."

God I would love to see an outpouring of your Spirit. That you would awaken your church to a renewed passion for our Lord and Saviour Jesus Son of God. That you would embolden your church to proclaim the excellencies of Your Son and His work on the cross for the atonement of the sin of His bride.

When Darkness Falls

It's been a hard two days but the wonderful thing about it is that it has given me a lot of time to pray and to worship the Lord. It has been hard to deal with manual labor and I have binge stress-eating for a little while it's been about a month and a half now for the stress eating.
But I was reminded that this light and momentary affliction is nothing to compare to the glory to be revealed at the coming of Jesus Christ. I hope that everything is worked out....

Hope in God

Psalm 43:5 ESV
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 33:16-22 ESV
The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue.
Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine.
Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.

I will say this to myself first and foremost. Marriage is not the be-all end-all. It may seem bigger than it is when looking at prolonged singleness when you still have the desire for marriage. We are meant first and foremost to hope in God. Those who hope in other things will stumble. Those who set there hope in the Lord shall not be ashamed their faces radiant. Sometimes though it does sorrow me. To see others who have that. Others my age who have a whole brood of children. Then I realize this is where God has me. That He is my hope my portion in the land of the living. That my life is His and I rest in Him. Why are you downcast O my soul? Hope in God!

Thoughts 2/16/19

James 4:6-10 ESV
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

I find my mind wandering where it should not go. My folly wanting what I do not have. My dreams betraying me and revealing the very thing I want to stamp out. Yet I plead with God that He may help me. I am weak and weary of the battle but I know that He is worthy. And He will keep my life not for my sake but for the glory of His Name. God I rest my hope upon the fact that You are an all sufficient God and have provided all that I have needed I have no lack. I have hoped for a change in my life circumstances but in the end You know. I find joy in You hope in You. Lord lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Let me quench my thirst and cause water that flows in a life giving fountain well up within me. Marriage and children are a poor substitute if I don't have You Lord. My life belongs to You Lord do with it what You will.

At a conference

So Friday and Saturday I was able to take in much of a conference in Atlanta, Georgia called the G3 conference. The focus was on Missions. What I learned is that one must have zeal tempered by love when it comes to missions. That we must be grounded in the word of God. That the local church must have an interest in Missions. That we must be a set apart people if we are called to ministry, That the knowledge of God's sovereignty in salvation should motivate us more to proclaim the Gospel. There is so much more that I learned but without my notes with which to truly outline the sermons it's difficult. I kind of wish my mind was able to capture more clearly the sermon but alas my memory is not what it used to be. This weekend has been special for me it makes me realize that I love having people to worship with. That I love my church family. I miss them when I am away. I like getting excited with them and praying with them. I like that Christ is central to us... I learned though the body of Christ is innumerable a multitude of people from every nation tribe and tongue. I just have to learn to love better. To communicate and not escape. But anyway I will try to organize my thoughts better for next time. My prayer is that there be application of God's word in our lives, that there will be a spiritual awakening. That we will live our lives by the aid of the Holy Spirit and by the grace of God we will live for the glory and the name of Jesus! To Him be the glory forever and ever, Amén.

Love God

Romans 5:3-5 KJV
And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

I was thinking of this verse today. The love of God transforms through the Holy Spirit.

Don't wait

Ladies in Waiting it's a title of a book I bought in the beginning of my walk with the Lord. I have been single my whole life but when you are a child who cares. The premise of the book is about how do you change while you're waiting for a husband to come along. I realized something though we should not wait for Life to come around. And I don't mean that life begins when you get married. Neither do I mean that a man will fulfill you. We must as ramblin live lives that are wholeheartedly devoted and fully surrender to the Lord. I don't have blinders on when it comes to marriage. I have seen the toll that minor issues can make. Marriage is not about having perfect romantic moments. It's about basically being joined to another sinner and God using that to sanctify you. So the other day I met up with a Christian lady she is single as well. We were able to talk about some things. I have been finding it so great to be able to talk to other people about things that are going on. Things that I am convicted of. It's even better to get together to pray. In a way there are some things that marriage contains that one can want and desire. I love kids and yes there is a way in that you can have time with kids and you can work with kids and it's wonderful. I guess that is one thing that I wrestle with because of my age and my health problems and just that you can't really have kids without a husband in the Christian walk anyway. But as for living my life,  my life is His and I want only to wait upon Him. Maranatha come Lord Jesus.

Just a moment

There is a bittersweet longing
Of something I want to know
And may never know
A dream of long ago
Now a barrenness I created
There is a silent illness
An unknown infection coursing through my veins
It spikes and ebbs but is always there
Is it sin? Is the stain of sin so deep that it marked me within
Will I wait with no answer?
No reason yet knowing that You know....
For my good, for your glory....
For God alone my soul waits in silence.