Broken Cysterns and Living Water

Its is easy in a culture that seeks self-gratification that seeks to serve the flesh and its desires to skip over some sections of the bible in order to feel better about sins committed against God. For months I was guilty of not reading the bible at all in order not to feel convicted about some of the sins I committed.

I had sought to hew my own cystern in order to feel satisfied in the singleness I had been given. Sin does not satisfy and it is easy when you hide from godly people to live in a way that is displeasing to God.

For months now I have been seeking God that He might help my continuously give my desires and choices completely to Him. As I have been reading Quest for Love it has held up the biblical principles such a chastity, purity, self-denial, patience and sacrifice. In a world that scoffs at the idea of denying yourself taking up your cross and following God such things are mocked but before God is a fruit. A good fruit on a good branch thast will not be cut up and burned.
The beatitudes a quick to point at the character God instills in the believer and is quick to reveal the rewards that such character will receive from God.

Matthew 5:3, 6, 8 NASB
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. [6] "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. [8] "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Everyday I will draw near to God and in doing so may He receive the glory. Because now "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me."

May that be the manner in which I live in humility, in purity, and patiently waiting not on an earthly bridegroom but for my heavenly one.

Seeing through a mirror dimly

I think the bible verse goes well when I don't understand why God orchestrates some things. God is powerful and merciful slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. My birthday is in 2 days and I am at peace with being 31. This life the people and family I have seen, the friends I have made, have taught me so much. I won't be melodramatic or overemotional and act corny. The life God has granted me its moments, adventures, troubles, sorrow, and everything in between except my own sin has been a gift. Thank You God, in that You have shown me, a chubby girl from an island in the Caribbean, over and over Your son. You have been the beloved asking His bide to come away with Him to me. You have been a comforting Father, my confidant, a fellow warrior in this journey. The battle to kill sin is ongoing. I read this verse just today and I will hold it dear, Psalm 17:15
"As for me, I shall behold Your face in righteousness; I will be satisfied with Your likeness when I awake."

Looking at 31 but not in Proverbs

This life is yours God and in six days I will be 31. What do I say upon reflection but that I am so humbled that the Lord sought me in all my foolishness. That He has shown me how far I have come from my first love. Yet God in His mercy was like the beloved in Song of Solomon who went to her door in the middle of the night. Yet who am I that you should grant me grace. My time in Puerto Rico was a blessing and the reason why is because I read the word of the Living God, and sought Him in prayer, and word, and worship. James 4:8 NASB "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." He has given me repentance for many things. And has been so kind to me. I would say more but these things are not meant to be shared for anyone other than God and maybe later to whom God has willed to be my spouse.

Change

It has been such a short amount of time. 8 days really to spend time with family. To see this island my dad is from. My extended family are kind and loving. They are each unique and I know that they will live and I don't know where they will end up or how it will happen. Yet I ask God that he might sustain them and draw them to Himself.
I as a writer when I have a character in mind I have the ability to put them on hold, to not tell their story. With God it is different.
He is there with each who is alive. No one can hide from His sight. Their life unfolds according to His purposes.

I have had adventures in my time away from Minnesota. I still do not know where and to what purpose I have been called. The good thing is there have been no harming of Levita with any matchmaking attempts. So I have one day left and there has been much to think about and reflect upon. May what has happened and will happen be to the Glory of my Heavenly Father who is with me always.

Puerto Rico Day 1-2 Activity and contemplation of God

It has been a blessing to come to Puerto Rico. I have seen my cousins and my aunt and her husband. They have all been so kind. Ate a lot of food. Yummy. It has been summer hot and that has been hard but I will appreciate the Minnesota cold.

My aunt asked me whether I have preached before. Open air yes. So far all that has been on me as a  calling is to encourage people, and to give th gospel. To have them look at Christ as their all in all. I went to a church today it is a small church but they really love Christ I hope to go to their prayer service on Wednesday. I have been listening to an album in spanish and as I sit here on this bed contemplating God and his ever present mercy upon me. Tears of thankfulness well up in my eyes and I am humbled in knowing that He in His kindness has led me here. I am single and not forgotten of God, instead he has led my steps. I find myself looking at the cross at Christ.Where I am sorrowed at my sin nailed to the cross, humbled at His kindness. And though I sin I bear it no more and seek repentance.  May I be pure in heart that I might see God.

And when I am alone give me Jesus..... you can have all this world give me Jesus.

Saturday Night 11/15/14

This weekend I was in such a constant state of awe that God would see fit to look down and see me. Though I do have to say my sin was there. In my impatience. I worked on Saturday and it was constant and just work. I love my job but I have to make sure my mind or my thoughts remain on what is good and not the attitudes of others. So after that I went home and though I was there only an hours there was such impatience and just annoyance inside me. After I left I went to the gym and that helped but more than that, meeting God in learning about him did much good. I also got the opportunity to talk about God with a driver after small group it was great talking about His attributes and true worship.

I am not her

"Do not stare at me because I am swarthy, For the sun has burned me. My mother's sons were angry with me; They made me caretaker of the vineyards, But I have not taken care of my own vineyard.

Don't look to me for beauty

Don't look to me to be that trophy wife

Don't look for fluff

'Cause you won't find it here

I am not perfect

I am not unashamed

I am not your ideal

I am not who you look for

I am not the one

I am not hospitable

My adorning is not jewelery but neither is it a quiet and gentle spirit

I am not as I should be

So don't think I am her

I am not of a mind to encourage you

I cannot be a helper to you

I cannot be who you need me to be

So don't look for marriage here

I am not her

I have realized that though I have in mind the woman I should be. I am not there yet, but I don't want to be a curse to any man specifically a godly man who seeks to serve God. I am not going to even try to be interested in anybody. Its a distraction I do not need. God will reveal whether or not I am to allow a courtship or marriage but in the meanwhile may I be fruitful for his purposes.

Inability

I have an inability in and of myself to change. The bible shows me how I can and God revealed it to me today. It is a varience on set your mind on the things that are above, and give yourself as a living sacrifice holy and acceptable.

 

The verses God gave me are:

 

Ephesians 4 starting at verse 17

 

Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Where my heart speaks

I am sitting in the midst of clutter
Clutter within and clutter without
Thoughts clammoring to be heard
Read the novel that will cloud your judgement and dull your mind
Another quiet yet close says read the Word

Wait for the Lord...
I hear those words and within the Spirit says I am thirsty for more.
Trust in the Lord...
Why should you trust?
Because he has been good
Because none can do what He could

I shake my head knowing which voice I should listen to

Give me a new heart O God
And renew a right spirit within
For my heart tries to find in other things
What is only found in You

Reflecting

It started off with a nightmare where someone was in a casket displayed in our backyard. And their was a wind blowing and the top opened to reveal a shrouded person the wind tore that to reveal the face of the dead person. Then they popped up and I awoke.
At work I have been given the opportunity to have extra hours that I may save for something special.
It has been a good day in that I was able to help a lot of people but its been very busy. The babies were as usual so wonderful. I love seeing the kids because now though I desire to have children the bittersweet feeling is gone.
Going to the women's book study made me feel vulnerable though. Made me realize how much I long to be right. How much bitterness is tucked away in my chest, how sick my heart has been due to my dream being deferred.
It is the season for me to be melancholy. It is the time my mom passed away. It is when my birthday comes and goes.

After a long time I could not keep silent

1)Do we love God?
If we love God it should be shown by a seeking after him in the ways he has provided.
>In the Bible
>In Prayer
>In Fellowship
>In Worship
>In Witnessing (evangelizing)
>In Works
>In Preaching (if called)
 
2)Do we love kids?
I have loved kids for a long time probably since I was allowed to hold my nephew.   For a long time I have wanted children. I have told some people that my aim was to be a stay at home wife and mother. This was mocked by a coworker but it is easy to forgive such a view when some are not able to view the implications of the call God has given some women. I sometimes am burdened and saddened by what the world has done to warp the few of motherhood of what it is to be a wife, and how submission to one's husband is profane.

3) Do we want to change?
God has in his mercy changed me. And may He continue to do so. I have been convicted due to God and him putting many circumstances in my life that God wants surrender and work but only the Holy Spirit would change me and that in the end my effort is of no consequence unless God is there. In the end if you don't really work to change your life you really don't want it to change.

What shall I do in light of what I have learned.
Seek to follow the bible.
Seek to honor Him in all things
Seek contentment in my life.
Do not seek my joy in circumstances but find the joy in God.
Love and rebuke.

I want to get married and have kids but I will not forsake God to gain it.