On the outside looking in at the Church

I often thought that my writings go out into the void. Feeling that it is a way of speaking what I feel without telling anyone where I am at spiritually. I have struggled and generally keep those times to myself. When it even comes to family I generally don't tell them anything either. Effectively that leaves me mostly alone with thoughts and emotions that need to be brought under the Lordship of Christ.
I have been very sad because I have been putting to death a desire that has been long within me. Though the Bible says this,
Matthew 5:4 NASB
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
I have found it hard. In the end only God knows if that desire will be fulfilled now though the reality with Christ will be much richer. That day when he clothes us in white, he has already betroths us now those who are born-again in Righteousness.
Yet God has not left even the most foolish believer without His aid. The Holy Spirit is there and He grants this,
John 14:27 NASB
Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.
I don't have to worry, because He will take care of me. I wonder though about pastors are they supposed to take an active role in the shepherding of the soul of the believer? Who knows? I go to church only to worship the Lord and though I know I have to engage more with other believers I need God to help me with that. I have a longing for my family in Christ to be more closer than my earthly family.
So far God has given me a nice little area. I have no lack. I have a sister who prays with me and whom I am getting to know better.
God I am thankful. All the gifts you have given me, I am thankful. The love you have given me I am thankful. In my weakness I know I sometimes, maybe a lot of times forsake You. Please, may my life, this body, this time belong to You. Please conform me to the image of Christ that I were a better child, and please you more by bearing good fruit, Lord, Amen.