Pride and the battle for Humility

I am proud. Those who know me know that. I am not one of those who want to be known but look at how many pictures of myself I have on facebook. Look at how I usually listen impatiently until I can interject with something I think sounds great. It is pride that does not have me cry out for help in temptation. It is what I hide. I need help. The snowball to sin starts with a compromise with myself or someone else then the deceitfullness of sin gets in. In those times I do not cry out to God to the only one who can help me. I do not even talk to a dear sister who wants God to overcome this in my life. I hate the feeling of being exposed. I like to be clothed and it seems that in confessing sin to another its like an support group. God you are the only one who can help me. I am tired and weary and today I am battling the flesh within and the temptations without. Do I see Christ when I sin or do I pretend not to? God that you would fight this battle and subdue it. I will pick up the armour you have granted and seek evermore your face. Have mercy on me Son of God wash me in Your blood and I will be cleansed from all unrighteousness. God I do not know your plans but please help me. Help me. Uphold me by Your Right Hand. Tu sabes Dios que estoy corriendo de tu corrección. Lo necesitó. Por favor dejame ver tu rostro. Levantame y no me caere. Ajudame o Dios tu eres mi ajuda en el desierto. You are the balm of Gilead that I may be healed. Quiero en este dia ver a ti. Mi escudo, mi fortaleza, protegeme.

How to be a woman of God in a fallen world

What I have learned in the six years since God saved me...
1) A believer has to look to Christ.
2) The word must abide within and bear fruit without
3) A result if ongoing faith has to be a deepening love of God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and a godly sorrow and hatred of sin, and bearing fruit.
Now to what separates male and female believers.
As a woman I have received much good advice from dear sisters in the faith.
1) A woman who fears the Lord is worth far more than rubies.
2) Be dressed in the quiet, gentle spirit that is pleasing to the Lord.
3) Be a woman who loves home and children even without a husband.
4) Seek to be Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus and not as much Martha who in her service did not receive the portion that could never be taken away.
5) The flesh, the deeds of the flesh do not please God.
6) Have a good report from believers as well as unbelievers.
7) Do not compromise but seek to live a life that honors the Lord.
I want to be a woman who takes her faith and walk seriously who has her heart and hope set on Christ. He is the beloved I am His and He is mine.

Thoughts while on the bus

Vulnerability... Exhaling a long deep sigh. The person I am needy, loud, my mind a product of the years of wickedness poured into it. Yet I know that I am not to be conformed to this world but be tranformed by the renewal of my mind. I hate testimonies sometimes when people talk about searching for love in sin... Yet what I know... An unwavering person seeks satisfaction for their soul in the way their fallen flesh offers them, sin whose wages is death. I knew then and I know now that it does not satisfy but it makes the loneliness, shame, and sorrow deeper. God saw me, He sees me as no one else does. Maybe I should in humility reveal portions of myself hidden under lock and key. There is a feeling of wanting to be hidden that is within yet unlike before God saved me I take no pride in hiding, no thrill in pulling the wool over peoples' eyes. Who am I when no one is watching? I want to be a reflection of God I have grown much but my stumbling is getting worse.
Whatever is good, whatever is lovely, whatever is pure, I must set my mind on what is above. This world is passing away along with its desires.
God may you be what I long for.

Comfort

Sometimes I wonder about how circumstances change but people stay the same. Let me clarify the statement a little bit. People stay the same unless God changes them. One person can go from recluse to being popular yet their character remains the same. Marriage will not change you, education will not change you, moving away from your parents will not change you, rebelling will not change you, only God can. I am 28 about to turn 29, I have been shy and reclusive, I have been known by some people. I have a temptation that drives me to despair when I am alone. I have to battle it because it is easy to believe the lie that says you are alone, you have nobody. No one can comfort you. The Father is with His children. Jesus says He shall be with us to the end of the age. He is the One whom my soul longs for. I am inept unable to seek God without the Holy Spirit dwelling within me. So, today I am quickly off to drop something off then going to church. God open my eyes to see you more today.

Clean

Do I have to? Maybe it is not so hard. Does the way a person's room is reflect the state of a person's heart. I dreamt last night that I wound up at a wedding of two of the cool kids at church. It was like a circus and I was in the midst trying to hide from everyone. I saw them looking very much like the world and I wanted to be free from them. I am not cool am told often I do too much. God help me, my need is you. You are the one who calms me. Who strengthens me. You are God. I realize I can't be in a sort of group that is shallow and more about hanging out than being the true Biblical church. Cleanse me, purge me with hissop and I shall be clean. May I be a reflection of You, because You have conformed me to Your image. I am not talking about any small group in particular but I just really want to grow and not be stagnant. If I wanted to get married I could settle and be with a marginal believer. Yet how long would it take before he gets annoyed when I share something the Lord showed me in His word. How long before the man feels neglected when I would rather be about the Lord's business? How long before he hates me praying that trials and tribulations come that our faith be refined. How long before he wants the beauty the world offers rather than the beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit that I long to have. God grant me victory over temptations. Wow I rambled a lot today....

I am loved

Its strange to want something and then have God show a person time and time again. "You are loved." Most who know me know I am a romantic at heart. Penned romance novels by the truckload when a teenager to the chagrin of my younger sister. In a fit if pique she called my computer my sister. Maybe I should not be writing this but I figure trusted friends may read and people who I would never see may read. Yet God knows. He is making me grow. I can't compare myself with anyone. I have been overwhelmed by the presence of God. Everytime I want to say I quit this cross is too much. He keeps saying my grace is sufficient and I want to cry. God tells me to come away, and He leads me away. He speaks tenderly to me and makes all my struggles and all my fears into a door of hope.
(NASB)Psalm 8:4
What is man that You take thought of him, And the son of man that You care for him?
And I wonder why does He care? I am not anyone that He should seek. Yet His love is clear. While we were yet sinners He died for us who are called, chosen, set apart, not to remain the same but to grow.

Small group, prayer, and a conference....

It started off on Thursday... I am looking for a small group I kind of ditched one and I will be truthful about the reason because I was hiding from people and the sinful emotions that rose up within. It has gotten better so I am endeavouring to look for a new small group. This is what I seek...

1) Christ is foremost, in our thoughts, words, and what we learn.
2) Those who gather seek to grow in maturity
3) There be the word,a hymn (some hymns), teaching, and preaching
4) That there are older men and women to poor into my life
5) Fellowship be led by the Spirit

So that is what I am looking for, I'll know when I find it.

Before the Throne has been prominent in the last few days.

Friday was battlefield central but praise be to God who does not allow us to be overcome. Who fights on our behalf and intercedes for His children. He gave us the opportunity to pray, to give testimony to the faithfulness of God in all circumstances. Learning that God is a Holy God.

Then today what can I say about today. It was definitely attributed to the faithfulness and steadfast love of God. I woke up in the morning bus was late, missed a bus, another bus was late. I saw my sinfulness rise up at the realization of the heart of another person.
I left and with the word of God went across the street to what I thought was a quiet field in a golf course. I do not know what caused me to think no one would be around. I laid there and prayed earnestly to God. Then I sat up and kept praying then I heard the quiet sound of a motor. One man joked that my prayers helped him. I said " I pray for the glory of God not of man." They left. Then I began reading Hebrews 11 God spoke to me from His word.

(NASB)Hebrews 11:1-40
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. [2] For by it the men of old gained approval. [3] By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things which are visible. [4] By faith Abel offered to God a better sacrifice than Cain, through which he obtained the testimony that he was righteous, God testifying about his gifts, and through faith, though he is dead, he still speaks. [5] By faith Enoch was taken up so that he would not see death; AND HE WAS NOT FOUND BECAUSE GOD TOOK HIM UP; for he obtained the witness that before his being taken up he was pleasing to God. [6] And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. [7] By faith Noah, being warned by God about things not yet seen, in reverence prepared an ark for the salvation of his household, by which he condemned the world, and became an heir of the righteousness which is according to faith. [8] By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going. [9] By faith he lived as an alien in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, fellow heirs of the same promise; [10] for he was looking for the city which has foundations, whose architect and builder is God. [11] By faith even Sarah herself received ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised. [12] Therefore there was born even of one man, and him as good as dead at that, as many descendants AS THE STARS OF HEAVEN IN NUMBER, AND INNUMERABLE AS THE SAND WHICH IS BY THE SEASHORE. [13] All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.
[14] For those who say such things make it clear that they are seeking a country of their own. [15] And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return. [16] But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them. [17] By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was offering up his only begotten son; [18] it was he to whom it was said, "IN ISAAC YOUR DESCENDANTS SHALL BE CALLED." [19] He considered that God is able to raise people even from the dead, from which he also received him back as a type. [20] By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau, even regarding things to come. [21] By faith Jacob, as he was dying, blessed each of the sons of Joseph, and worshiped, leaning on the top of his staff. [22] By faith Joseph, when he was dying, made mention of the exodus of the sons of Israel, and gave orders concerning his bones. [23] By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw he was a beautiful child; and they were not afraid of the king''s edict. [24] By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh''s daughter, [25] choosing rather to endure ill-treatment with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin, [26] considering the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures of Egypt; for he was looking to the reward. [27] By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king; for he endured, as seeing Him who is unseen. [28] By faith he kept the Passover and the sprinkling of the blood, so that he who destroyed the firstborn would not touch them. [29] By faith they passed through the Red Sea as though they were passing through dry land; and the Egyptians, when they attempted it, were drowned. [30] By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days. [31] By faith Rahab the harlot did not perish along with those who were disobedient, after she had welcomed the spies in peace. [32] And what more shall I say? For time will fail me if I tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets, [33] who by faith conquered kingdoms, performed acts of righteousness, obtained promises, shut the mouths of lions, [34] quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, from weakness were made strong, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. [35] Women received back their dead by resurrection; and others were tortured, not accepting their release, so that they might obtain a better resurrection; [36] and others experienced mockings and scourgings, yes, also chains and imprisonment. [37] They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were tempted, they were put to death with the sword; they went about in sheepskins, in goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, ill-treated [38] (men of whom the world was not worthy), wandering in deserts and mountains and caves and holes in the ground. [39] And all these, having gained approval through their faith, did not receive what was promised, [40] because God had provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect.

While reading aloud other men came forth and after listening for a moment one told me to be quiet while they hit the ball. I realized then that the word of God is more important. In reading Hebrews God gave me peace and joy I am looking to God.

When I got back two song were song then the speaker started. I listened for five minutes of a woman talking about what women want and going on about becoming virtuous women so we could get what we want. There was no Christ in that so I left. True change, becoming a new person only God could do. How can people sing I love You Christ yet let Him be relegated to a byword in a self-help motivational speech. Sigh to You alone be the Flory and honor and power.