Early

I think at times there's a reason why I don't keep up with the blog like I would like to and maybe it has to do with self-examination. What has what has God been teaching me?  How has God turn my heart away from sin? In the book of 1st Thessalonians at the end of this list of things that sink could be taken as things that we have to do in order to gain the grace of God it says in the end God is faithful he will surely do it. For me it has been easy to struggle with singleness for years and and at times yes it's an idol that I keep away from the Lord and it's also something that I bring to the Lord all the time too. The Bible says to put to death the deeds of the flesh... to live in the spirit is life and peace. There has been so much change and upheaval in my life things changing circumstances seeming to stay the same. To be honest I have so much unbelief there even though but by God's grace I've been able to take in so much scripture. There is I guess talking to this lady today at the coffee shop has me realizing that God's word is living and active and I'm able to by God's grace able to Lord willing to talk to others about what's going on with them but when it comes to my own circumstances it just seems silent or I don't want to hear it. So what should I do during those times should I go hide away from others or should I fight. Today I've been struggling with wanting to be alone and lick my wounds. No one has done anything wrong and no one wanted to ignore me, no I wasn't invisible, but part of me was so afraid that if I talk to someone they would know that I'm struggling and I'm struggling greatly. God's word is sufficient and profitable. I really have to examine am I trusting in the Lord. I read his promises but wonder if they are for me. I am reminded of that hymn that says "great is thy faithfulness". God is faithful we are only faithful if we live by the Spirit. What does that look like? It means that when a loved one is dying, we find our strength in the plans and purposes of God. It means that if you're infertile and cannot have kids, God is the one who knits us in our mother's womb. Whether he grants us kids or not. It means that when I am lonely and want all the trappings of marriage, that God's love is more than sufficient, it is all that I need. May God grant his grace upon my life that though I will always struggle and I know that I will but he has something else in store for me. To you Lord Jesus be the glory for all that you have done in salvation and all that you are doing praise you. Praise is due to you O God and Zion and to you shall vows be performed. O you who hear prayer to you shall all flesh come.

Running

I want to escape at times. Escape from the mundane things in my life. The duties and responsibilities I fulfill. The moments when I want to do something feel an overwhelming urge to do something then question it wondering if the actions I am thinking undertaking is of God or am I seeking to draw attention to myself. I was with a group of women from my church. I had spent time making little tea sandwiches. Yet I just did not want to come I just wanted freedom. To say I feel not a part of everything. I come and participate but for so woefully out of step with everyone. I pray that I will live by the Spirit and not by the flesh.