Missions, Life, and a Future I cannot see

I want that Christ's name be known in a place that never heard of Jesus. I want Him to be glorified and that I may die and live with Jesus. I worry so much and spend so much time planning something that cannot be planned. My trust in God for salvation is great yet my trust in the future He has for me gives me the shakes. I have been blessed by the fellowship of people who trust in God so much that to others it would seem crazy. I am afraid and I will admit it. It has driven me into reading ungodly things, a sin I admit to and hope to repent of.So after a week of work, and prayer, and anger and looking out and in I know. I know that He who knows what I hide from others will draw me away and will reveal His unending grace and mercy, and awesome splendor. That I may be drawn after Him and not the fear that lays behind little by little.

False Assurance

Its easy to sit in a church and believe that you belong to Christ yet have no evidence in your life of saving faith. Your life reflects on whether you belong to Christ. Do you love your sin? Do you love the very things God hates? What makes you think if you have the desires of the eyes, the desires of the flesh, and pride in possessions that you in any way belong to Jesus Christ? In 1 John God is clear about who is a true believer, test yourselves to be sure that you are in the faith, the bible says. What kind of tree does not bear fruit but a bad tree that God will burn up.

Mom

Today would have been my mother's 59th birthday. It has been almost 2 years. Many of my mannerisms and habits come from her. By watching her I learned to cook and she always wanted me to be a model of femininity. I do not know what to feel. Sometimes I smile because she would find this amusing or I cry because she is not there and cannot give me one of her plush hugs. I wash all the dishes now but she is not there to hug me when I am done. Okay maybe I am sad today.

To God

God you are the ruler over all creation. Death could not contain you. You who in all things must be first. You look upon the lowly and give them knowledge of their need for you. You have saved me and continue to save me from my flesh and this world. You have given me a new nature and have put Your Spirit within me. Day by day you renew me and grant me your mercy and lovingkindness. Wherever I am You are always with me. Give me eyes to read your word, ears to hear your word, and a mind to understand your word. May I learn more about you and in my learning increase my passion for you. Make me into a woman who first and foremost seeks your heart and your kingsom because in everything else your provide and bless us. God you have given much and taken away much. Yet yesterday, today, and forever You alone are God. Lord be with me. 

Supplication

God I plead that you take this. You know, you know me, you are the only one. Its been You who upholds me. You who point me to Your Son. God help me take my life, do with it as You will. Help me to see what Your will is. I repent of my idolatry and rebellion. Please look upon my helpless state and change my life.