walking

It almost seems right now that I'm alone in the middle of this field this man created prairie walk. I can talk to the Lord and it will be no one around to listen. What more can I tell him that he hasn't already witnessed for his own self. I know that if I confess my sin he is able and just to forgive me my sin and to cleanse me from all righteousness. I remember starting this blog years ago trying to show off my wifely skills you know. The things I've learned how holy I am and yet the more years have passed the more unholy I seem. I have learned to cook I can clean. Those are the skills my mom thought was most useful. I have also gained more of God's word been known to intercede on behalf of others. Today at church was hard it was a tangled web of overwhelming emotions and I don't feel with emotions well at least not sorrow and emotional pain. In my life these past 37 years I have experienced a lot of death and though I know the purpose is not to break me that's exactly what it has done. At times with family I feel like I walk a solitary road. I want to give up everything in order that I might gain Christ and the power of his resurrection you know like the Bible says. So after my emotional sobbing outside far away from others I escaped after church in order not to have to share. Boohoo poor me I'm single. But like my mom always says it's better to be alone than have bad company. I heard in someone's testimony of God bringing them a spouse that they had a blueprint in their mind of who this person would be. Looks wise I could care less character wise I have very high standards because if one is a man of God wouldn't that mean that he would reflect Christ. A man of prayer that would see communion with God as he pours out his heart before him. A man who is in God's word, that it's so fill him that it saturates his speech. That he would want to worship God and all that he does. That he would work heartily for God's glory. So it's not exactly a blueprint but it's a desire of mine but after all this time of waiting I just want to put it to death. I have prayed to that end, but the desire would go, and get it remains. I don't want this to be that thorn in my side that I have to deal with until eternity. Has the walk helped I don't know but God is my strength.