Been a minute

Has it been so long since I have written. More than prayer requests and confessions. Confessing my unbelief and seeking to wholeheartedly lay my life in your hands and not seeking to keep a portion back. My longings for a child, for a marriage not built by thievery or bribery, where I promise to be what he wants only for that sake of love. God has shown me time and time again that I need His love not the counterfeit love built on works. Yet there are days when I set them up as an idol hidden within me and in rebellion I hold fast to the dream rather than God.
I will be honest with each silver strand that becomes mixed in with my ebony curls I clung more closely to the dream, the fantasy, and I right now know. God says to lay those desires on the altar, to be purified. My submission to God is not perfect and part of me screams within me that God demands my singleness for a lifetime, no kids. His ways are better. He wants my good whatever his plans for me are. I need to be just a sister and a friend. To not give my heart to the possibility of more, but to love the Lord and lay my life down in love. God sees my frame and knows I am but dust. He calls me out from the winter cold of my selfishness into the glory of His redemption. He has bought me and called me by name. I am His and He is mine. Accomplished by himself. Whatever life God has for me may I live it by the Spirit of God working God's will within me.