Thinking critically about this year

This year has seen the death of my dad, the rise of an evil hidden sin in my life, the dissolution of a year long relationship, and now the ending of another relationship. After my dad died I realized how much of a part of my life my dad was. I saw him on Saturdays. He really loved me in his way. His death happened days after speaking to my Pastor about sin problems in a relationship.  I miss my dad, I miss his company, I miss his hugs, I miss driving around with him.

In truly thinking about why the year long relationship ended I see that God loves not like man loves I didn't have to flat iron my hair straight, wear jeans more often than I wanted to, be content with being held at arms length all in the hope of love. God's love is better. I was wrong in seeking to prolong it when I was advised time and time again to evaluate the relationship rightly. In my head I want to be with someone I can pray with, who wants to evangelize, who wants to grow in the Lord, who takes the lead in his own faith, who is ready for the next stage in life, I don't want to offer my kids on the alter of making money, I want to stay home with any kids I have. So it was right that God had it end.

Yet after that relationship ended I went right into another relationship without really reconciling everything that has happened. I gave so much of myself to please another person. Then I thought that after meeting someone who loves the Lord that that meant that everything would fall into place. That I would somehow be where God would have me but the sin kept getting worse and worse and I hated it and myself and would find myself fearing to die, fearing to sleep, fearing to let go. I would eat to be able to sleep or I would not eat because I could control it. I am trusting God that He can heal me that He can give me victory over sin. I entrust with Him my future and I will do what I can to obey Him only by the power and working of the Holy Spirit. 

Finally after everything that has happened I was able to really mourn what I have lost. I hope to love without regrets and to focus on the Lord, so far it has been very cleansing

God help me to put to death the deeds of the flesh and to live by the Spirit because to live by the flesh is death but to live by the Spirit is life and peace. (From Romans 8)