What to do with a hope deferred

 I know that just because I seek the Lord does not mean that what I do is strong-arming the Lord to do as I want. God is not beholden to me but I find myself lonely. I find myself needy. I miss physical closeness. I just don't miss the feeling of being used. I don't know what to do with my feeling except cry out that God  who listens to me and knows me would listen to what the Holy Spirit is crying out for and not any selfish desire.

Desire

Lord, I am here. Waiting upon you. I pray that you will meet with those I will be praying with in a few hours. That your word be my light. That is prayer I cry out for what only you can do according to your will. Please Lord grant me grace to run the race well. 

Sales

Does it ever feel, that when we are trying to join this dating thing, that you're basically a salesperson? You're selling a merchandise and that is who you are.

I go to a small Church in Stillwater. I have been a Christian since 2006. Since embarking on this journey I have seen greatly against God. Sexual sin that was a rebellion against my singleness. I have lost both my parents. God in his mercy has been seeking my good. I am so unworthy.

I have had this desire for a long time and though I know that in glory I will not tell the Lord why did you leave me single. I would just rejoice. It's just that right now the loneliness is hard.

Try again

So I decided to try online dating and it's mentally tiring. I built up a profile with my best most recent picture. I set forth what I am looking for. Its been 10 years with this desire to be a wife and mother. I realize though that though it is a desire that I have it is a possible that it will never be realized this side of the veil. I have to be okay with that.

Dream

There are times when the things I dream are about future events. Those are like wisps of clouds that disappear with the morning sun. That when the moment arises there is a strange sense of deja vu. My dream yesterday was not like that. I was moving and I was leaving town with my dad. He had sold the house and fast. I was leaving my sister behind. I was ready to leave but thought my dad was being demanding. He commanded me "Levita don't look at history!" Then I danced one last dance to Christian music with my sister before I was to leave. What that means I do not know but it does remind me of this bible verse.

Philippians 3:13-14 ESV

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Love

 I find that about this time of year I truly want to share what I have learned about love. What most people go to is 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, love is kind, love does don't boast or demand its own way. These are all true. God shows his love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. 

God loves not like man does. Its not about looks, its about character and the work he does. The romantic side of me longs for all the trappings. Yet I was hurt and wounded and what I felt spurned so I kind of do not want to take another chance. Yet I trust that God's love does not fail.

in Christ Alone

I am sure a lot of people have heard the phrase "Jesus saves". I am sure even as a child I heard that. Now as an adult I know more of what that means. That God redeems a people deserving of condemnation and it turn takes that condemnation upon himself. That He lived that life that we could not. Yet God saves to the uttermost. He will not allow you to remain in sin. 

Ezekiel 36:26-27 ESV

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.

I am throughly dismayed at how easy believism has taken over the church and it needs to be admonished and rebuked. Jesus has set us free from sin so why would we go back to be enslaved by the very sin that placed Christ on the cross. I'm going to try by the grace of God to say the truth in love but to say the truth regardless. I don't want people to perish believing that they're okay. 

Praying that God allows for more opportunities.