Try again

So I decided to try online dating and it's mentally tiring. I built up a profile with my best most recent picture. I set forth what I am looking for. Its been 10 years with this desire to be a wife and mother. I realize though that though it is a desire that I have it is a possible that it will never be realized this side of the veil. I have to be okay with that.

Dream

There are times when the things I dream are about future events. Those are like wisps of clouds that disappear with the morning sun. That when the moment arises there is a strange sense of deja vu. My dream yesterday was not like that. I was moving and I was leaving town with my dad. He had sold the house and fast. I was leaving my sister behind. I was ready to leave but thought my dad was being demanding. He commanded me "Levita don't look at history!" Then I danced one last dance to Christian music with my sister before I was to leave. What that means I do not know but it does remind me of this bible verse.

Philippians 3:13-14 ESV

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Love

 I find that about this time of year I truly want to share what I have learned about love. What most people go to is 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, love is kind, love does don't boast or demand its own way. These are all true. God shows his love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. 

God loves not like man does. Its not about looks, its about character and the work he does. The romantic side of me longs for all the trappings. Yet I was hurt and wounded and what I felt spurned so I kind of do not want to take another chance. Yet I trust that God's love does not fail.

in Christ Alone

I am sure a lot of people have heard the phrase "Jesus saves". I am sure even as a child I heard that. Now as an adult I know more of what that means. That God redeems a people deserving of condemnation and it turn takes that condemnation upon himself. That He lived that life that we could not. Yet God saves to the uttermost. He will not allow you to remain in sin. 

Ezekiel 36:26-27 ESV

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.

I am throughly dismayed at how easy believism has taken over the church and it needs to be admonished and rebuked. Jesus has set us free from sin so why would we go back to be enslaved by the very sin that placed Christ on the cross. I'm going to try by the grace of God to say the truth in love but to say the truth regardless. I don't want people to perish believing that they're okay. 

Praying that God allows for more opportunities.

Thoughts January 30, 2021

I have found myself time and time again seeking to encourage brothers and sisters in the faith all around the world to seek the Lord while there is time. I don't want to be deceived into thinking that I'm okay if I haven't fully surrendered to the Lord. I also don't want to be one of those who presume in God's grace upon me and yet not even having a desire to love him as I should. So I'm here at home very very tired and weary and I don't know where the Lord will lead me but I know that time is not guaranteed to us. God I want to seek you into worship you and spirit and the truth. To not find my self-worth in what other people think of me but in what you have done for me. God please magnify your name in my life and please help me to kill this in within me make me holy as time goes on and allow me to just be with you in the name of your son Jesus I pray, Amén.

Goodbye

It is the Fourth day of the year 2021 and I realize that I have let some things affect me in ways I said I would never let a person do. Last year I sought to love sacrificially in a relationship, to love as Christ would have me do. I had found that those who know the Lord would know to love like that. I have to let go of any feelings of being wronged, of seeking my own desires because they do not profit. If a man was to reflect God in how they love someone, it would be to love them in spite of their sin but constantly pointing them to the cross. To cherish them and count them as higher than self, to serve well. To lead a person closer to Christ rather than further away. Anyway as I say goodbye to the old year I will not forget, I will forgive and let go of any bitterness and anger. I will be thankful that God brought about His purposes and not my own. 

I do still have a desire to get married. I do want to run the Christian race with someone, I do want kids. Yet it's God's will that will prevail. So God Your will be done in my life.

Truthfulness

Submission and masochism, physical pain is easier to deal with than deeply ingrained emotional sorrow. I think that is why it appeals to my flesh. When my mom was dying I would go on websites and troll for a dominating figure who enjoyed inflicting pain. I was wrong, wrong to seek that as an avenue of escape instead of accepting God's will. I just right now just want to hide.