Poem- Outcomes

Its not for you to know

What if I falter

Its not for you to know

What if my hopes are not realized

Then My plans are better for you

And if my heart is sick

Then I bind you up

And if I lose my faith

I promised that as my child no one can snatch you out of my hand

My fears are too great Lord

Didn't I say fear not for I am with you be not dismayed for I am your God

I am too weak Lord

My power is made perfect in weakness

Lord help my unbelief that I will rest upon You.

Day 3

 What is love? (Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.....) 

The Bible is really clear about love, love is patient (I have not been patient). Love is kind, love does not envy or boast. I envy friends who have that. Love does not demand its own way (I demand my own way all the time). Love hope all things believes all things, love never fails. I am sure I am missing portions of it. 

I am afraid that the feelings I have, are they idolatrous? Honestly my walk though screwed is more honest than it ever has been. I am open about my sin which I usually hide until I am ready to go back to church.... I want God to be preeminent in my life and I also have a desire for marriage and children. What would true love look like? Love would want me to love Jesus more, to walk in a manner worthy of Christ, would want purity, to put everything in God's hands, to love others.

I am an emotional mess right know yet it's okay. I am seeking the Lord to reveal His will. Praying for God to help us, to heal any hurt, to strengthen us whatever happens, to love one another rightly, to want more than anything to love God.

Love would take a person as they are and pray for them to grow in Christ-likeness. 

Day 2

I slept all night yet still wanted to sleep longer. I was reading in Revelation 19 and in reading it I got excited of the fact that Jesus, Faithful and True, King of Kings, and Lord of Lords will vindicate His righteousness in view of all men. Those who rise up against the Lord and against His Anointed will be brought low and His holy ones will be clothed in white linen. 

I have no energy but I was able to read God's word and to pray a little. I just feel depleted but I need to buck up and do what I have to for the sake of being true to God in my life. My sister suggested I go somewhere this weekend. I was thinking of doing the prayer cabins as a spiritual retreat. Hopefully I will be able to do this. In the meanwhile I pray get in the word, tell him where I am at, and ask Him what is His will. It will be two weeks of struggling, comfort, God's grace, and hopefully His word encouraging me but it does not mean I miss him any less..... Praying that His grace his power will uphold us. 

Day 1

I woke up at 5 today very tired but I figured God wanted me to wake up and spend some time with Him. I am trying to learn what does it mean to truly surrender even if it means not having the outcome I want. I know what I would like to happen but the part of me that knows God's word know that I have to be open to go wherever he leads me. My life has changed so much since He opened my eyes to His power and His glory, and yet His irresistible grace tells me intellectually that He loves me. That He is always there to answer when I call on Him. Its just hard to believe in the midst of feeling like He always takes away. I know I know I am not supposed to say never and always especially when it is not true. He has given me new friends and so much grace. 

I am so used to saying good morning, thinking about you, praying for you, love you..... Ugh I am so mushy...... Anyway my prayer is that you are safe, that God pour His love on us and show up in amazing ways, that His word will fill us and comfort us, that God will turn our eyes to Him. That we listen to what He has for us. That we grow in our faith and not become complacent in seeking Him above all else.

In the end no matter what happens all I have is Christ. I have to be content with Him no in whatever state I am in, married or single, surrounded by people or all alone. 

My life as a sacrifice

 It's easy in my life to hold things that are dear to me to my chest. To tell the Lord "No I will cling to these things and you shall not have them......" Yet isn't God greater than the gifts that He has given us. Is his mercy, his faithfulness, his glory worth keeping temporal things?

I will be honest and say that this morning I was rejoicing in the Lord.  So filled with joy that He met me. Then this afternoon I came face to face with something that I was advised by a sister in the Lord about 7 weeks ago. What will come of these two weeks I do not know. But this month and 7 days has reiterated that God is sovereign over our lives and no matter how much we count others to be there. They are finite, even them being there is not counted upon. I am awash in feelings. I hate being emotional. Hey I can be happy all day long but when it come to what has been going on this year has been a torrent of change, mourning, and wanting to change the trajectory of my life. Yet I have to keep the gifts I have been given with open hands because in the end all I have belongs to God.

God I will submit to whatever you demand of me. In hard times I will bless your name hoping that though weeping may last through the night joy comes with the morning.

Relationships

So it has been a while since I have written and poured out my heart. I have been struggling a lot and it has been a war between my desire to seek God and love God and know God more and also a desire to get to know my boyfriend. My flesh has been clamoring for an intimacy that in the past I have not withheld from. So several things I have learned since dating this man.

1) My impatience has grown

2) I need to hold my thoughts captive

3) Compromises are a slippery slope

4) Love seeks to maintain purity

All I can do is pray that by the power of the Holy Spirit we can do what pleases God.

Poem 6/18/2020

Pilgrims heading home

They wander in these rugged lands

Where hardship and terrain claim lives

Propelling those to earlier bliss

In ease those on a different path are lulled to sleep

Believing their security until a voice thunders

“AWAKE!!!!”

Pilgrims on the path search and strive for that eternal land

Where grace and glory bath resurrected flesh in unapproachable light

The place He whom our souls cry out to and for dwells