Thoughts 2/16/19

James 4:6-10 ESV
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

I find my mind wandering where it should not go. My folly wanting what I do not have. My dreams betraying me and revealing the very thing I want to stamp out. Yet I plead with God that He may help me. I am weak and weary of the battle but I know that He is worthy. And He will keep my life not for my sake but for the glory of His Name. God I rest my hope upon the fact that You are an all sufficient God and have provided all that I have needed I have no lack. I have hoped for a change in my life circumstances but in the end You know. I find joy in You hope in You. Lord lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Let me quench my thirst and cause water that flows in a life giving fountain well up within me. Marriage and children are a poor substitute if I don't have You Lord. My life belongs to You Lord do with it what You will.

At a conference

So Friday and Saturday I was able to take in much of a conference in Atlanta, Georgia called the G3 conference. The focus was on Missions. What I learned is that one must have zeal tempered by love when it comes to missions. That we must be grounded in the word of God. That the local church must have an interest in Missions. That we must be a set apart people if we are called to ministry, That the knowledge of God's sovereignty in salvation should motivate us more to proclaim the Gospel. There is so much more that I learned but without my notes with which to truly outline the sermons it's difficult. I kind of wish my mind was able to capture more clearly the sermon but alas my memory is not what it used to be. This weekend has been special for me it makes me realize that I love having people to worship with. That I love my church family. I miss them when I am away. I like getting excited with them and praying with them. I like that Christ is central to us... I learned though the body of Christ is innumerable a multitude of people from every nation tribe and tongue. I just have to learn to love better. To communicate and not escape. But anyway I will try to organize my thoughts better for next time. My prayer is that there be application of God's word in our lives, that there will be a spiritual awakening. That we will live our lives by the aid of the Holy Spirit and by the grace of God we will live for the glory and the name of Jesus! To Him be the glory forever and ever, Amén.

Love God

Romans 5:3-5 KJV
And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

I was thinking of this verse today. The love of God transforms through the Holy Spirit.

Don't wait

Ladies in Waiting it's a title of a book I bought in the beginning of my walk with the Lord. I have been single my whole life but when you are a child who cares. The premise of the book is about how do you change while you're waiting for a husband to come along. I realized something though we should not wait for Life to come around. And I don't mean that life begins when you get married. Neither do I mean that a man will fulfill you. We must as ramblin live lives that are wholeheartedly devoted and fully surrender to the Lord. I don't have blinders on when it comes to marriage. I have seen the toll that minor issues can make. Marriage is not about having perfect romantic moments. It's about basically being joined to another sinner and God using that to sanctify you. So the other day I met up with a Christian lady she is single as well. We were able to talk about some things. I have been finding it so great to be able to talk to other people about things that are going on. Things that I am convicted of. It's even better to get together to pray. In a way there are some things that marriage contains that one can want and desire. I love kids and yes there is a way in that you can have time with kids and you can work with kids and it's wonderful. I guess that is one thing that I wrestle with because of my age and my health problems and just that you can't really have kids without a husband in the Christian walk anyway. But as for living my life,  my life is His and I want only to wait upon Him. Maranatha come Lord Jesus.

Just a moment

There is a bittersweet longing
Of something I want to know
And may never know
A dream of long ago
Now a barrenness I created
There is a silent illness
An unknown infection coursing through my veins
It spikes and ebbs but is always there
Is it sin? Is the stain of sin so deep that it marked me within
Will I wait with no answer?
No reason yet knowing that You know....
For my good, for your glory....
For God alone my soul waits in silence.

Thoughts 12/26/18

I thank God for each year He has granted me knowing that each moment that He provides for me is possible for the bearing of fruit for His purposes. I am thankful for the different things He has taught me this year. Mostly its better to love than to remain safe. Its better to be myself around others than be what I think they want me to be... I have had a year of quiet sorrow, some anger, periods where sin was revealed to me and so much change.
I feel different isn't that weird I think allowing people in has truly filled my heart. I have a desperate need for the Lord to do a work in my heart and fears. I still need to do more to learn truly love my brothers may God change that in me. In the meanwhile God has really shown me His mercy and His grace and shown me that, His word, the scripture that He has provided, show His character, His Holiness, His grace, His love which is higher than ours, His justice, secondly the precious promises He has bought by redeeming us from the bondage of sin and death, and blessed us with every spiritual blessing. He has also provided us with the local church to encourage one another to greater growth and knowledge of the Lord. Lastly He has taught me that He listens to my prayers and helps those who cry out to Him. This poor man cried and the Lord heard and delivered him out of all of His distresses.
I pray that the Lord will bless this year, to my friends and family. That we will behold Him and seek His face. That we will bless one another not temporally but eternally through prayer and supplication in thanksgiving, that we will encourage and exhort one another.
I thank God knowing that in the end I must rest in Him. That His character means that His purposes and promises shall come to pass.
To God be the Glory.

Thoughts on Singleness

It's Christmas time. It's usually a time I dread because I see what it has become in our society. This year praise the Lord I have been able to meditate on the incarnation of Christ and be remindid of the reason why He had to come on the likeness of sinful flesh. To condemn sin in the flesh He had to be the perfect sacrifice. So it has been hopeful to do this, this year.
So besides my best thoughts centered on Jesus it has been a time to ponder my relationship with others. I realize that in me not letting people in due to my own fear of people seeing me... of a childhood spent moving around so much that forming attachment meant being hurt when I had to leave. I have gotten better praise God but this is what I have learned.
Being vulnerable with others mean maybe having a person to be honest and truthful about where we are at. To comfort during times of mourning. A friend loves at all times. I have found myself just wanting to pour out myself for others. To love them and care for them. Then there is prayer wanting to intercede for them, that we might have boldness, to share the Gospel, that God would build their marriages. That we would reflect Christ before one another throughout our lives.
Being single does have solitary moments but I have time to spend with God, to pour out my heart before Him, and Him granting peace through the Spirit. There are so many moments where I have not dealt with singleness well, avoiding men, walking away from people, the shame I have felt because I wonder if others could see could tell the state of my heart, and my struggles with sin. Looking back I think if I knew people more maybe they would be able to tell me to knock it off... That would probably be good for me. I am going to try to love others and let them in. I will love my family, flesh and church and I will seek to be me, with my mix of maturity, yet with the exuberance and passion of a child.
I have been convicted that I need to truly love others, may that conviction bear fruit.