Truthfulness

Submission and masochism, physical pain is easier to deal with than deeply ingrained emotional sorrow. I think that is why it appeals to my flesh. When my mom was dying I would go on websites and troll for a dominating figure who enjoyed inflicting pain. I was wrong, wrong to seek that as an avenue of escape instead of accepting God's will. I just right now just want to hide.

When Bitterness Strikes

Call me Amarga

Because bile rises within and gets stuck in my throat

And cutting words remain there scraping and fighting to be released

The vitriol, cynicism, and heart ache welling

Yet I swallow them back rather to have the poison spread within

Then have it hurt those around me

The Past is the Past

There are so many shoulda could a but didn't. God planned all things according to His will. He is good for that but that does not make it any easier. These was a lot of temptation yesterday but today is better. One day at a time is all I can do. I think for the sake of my wellbeing I need to ponder whether some things are good for me. If they do not bring me closer to Jesus I need to walk away. These two months have been hard but God is greater than all my sin. 

Advent: The coming Messiah and lamenting during a season of rejoicing

 We are in a fallen world. A world which is cursed and dying. Yet as the people of God we are meant to be light in the midst of such darkness. Each year around this period between November and January I find myself in a lot of inner turmoil and sorrow and this year I find it to be worse. I have been alone before during this season so that is not new. I am sure I will be cooking again and that is not a bad thing... Maybe its just that its one more death, one more trial and I am weary of fighting but I am resolved not to give in to the lie of sin which tells me that it will temporarily assuage the sadness. I hug my family extra right now.... Anyway I love my family and church peeps. Hopefully I will not sink into depression hopefully God will keep me. I hope that I will react by being filled with hope that Christ came and He has promised to return.

God You have been there through all my ups and down. You have granted me eternal life despite the times I took You for granted. This life is yours my time is Yours I submit and trust that You will be glorified the more I trust in You. Thank You Lord Jesus. Amen.

Reconciliation and Healing

I think I will be fine. I realize more that needs to change. I need patience and love. I am glad that I was able to get closure on everything that has happened. I will have grace on others.

He gently prunes the tree

Who laments every lost branch

Cutting away what is dead and decaying

To bring forth new growth and maybe even

An abundance of fruit

thoughts 12/11/2020

It's early morning and I am awake been awake since 3:34 am. Yet what has been on my mind? I am going to give the Gospel. I am not going to stand idly by while a person who looks like the world and acts like the world says they are a sheep. I am not going to pretend. I am not going to make excuses when looking into their actions one can see they are about the devil's business. God grant me the opportunity to share the Gospel. Give me eyes to see your glory, your power. Work in thus world according to your will. Save sinners to the uttermost. Help me, grant me more love for you, and bless your people that they be emboldened to live lives that reflect Jesus. Amen.

A broken and contrite heart and the love of God for His Bride

When I was 13 and already had surpassed my mother in height I wore her dress to church and while hiding in the pew I read the raciest verses in the bible. The text found in Song of Solomon was titillating, scandalous, and as a pervy kid I did not seek what was behind it. 

Yet now as an adult, just plain me, cling to verses in Song of Solomon as an example of the love of God for his church.

Song of Solomon 2:10-13 ESV

My beloved speaks and says to me: "Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away, for behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree ripens its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.

God's love is promised. Right now I am feeling a bit melancholy but it will get better.

Social Media Image

I struggle a lot. At work I get annoyed and angry. At home I keep lecturing. I see faults in everyone and most of all in me.

It's easy on different platforms to set myself up as this spiritual super Christian yet have days when my eyes take in iniquity as if it were water. Days that I do not read God's word because I know in it will be conviction. I feel dirtied because of my sin and something tells me how could I go to God like this. God will not despise a broken and contrite heart. God says come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your soul. 

God here I am, my sin ever before You but I know that the sacrifice of Your Son is sufficient for all my sin. So my hope is not in my Bible reading, is not in my prayers, is not on how kind I am to anyone on any given day. My hope is that your mercy reaches to the sky. I often feel like the leper in Matthew who comes to Jesus and says, "Lord if you will, you can make me clean."

So here I am in all my mess and sorrow, asking You to help me. Give me a greater love for You, by Your Holy Spirit empower me to obey You. Let me see that You are my portion in the land of the living. I place before You my brothers and sisters knowing their need of You,Your working in their lives and in their families, both saved and lost. That You be foremost in our affections, and that we would could everything as loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing You Christ Jesus as Lord. Amén.

Thinking critically about this year

This year has seen the death of my dad, the rise of an evil hidden sin in my life, the dissolution of a year long relationship, and now the ending of another relationship. After my dad died I realized how much of a part of my life my dad was. I saw him on Saturdays. He really loved me in his way. His death happened days after speaking to my Pastor about sin problems in a relationship.  I miss my dad, I miss his company, I miss his hugs, I miss driving around with him.

In truly thinking about why the year long relationship ended I see that God loves not like man loves I didn't have to flat iron my hair straight, wear jeans more often than I wanted to, be content with being held at arms length all in the hope of love. God's love is better. I was wrong in seeking to prolong it when I was advised time and time again to evaluate the relationship rightly. In my head I want to be with someone I can pray with, who wants to evangelize, who wants to grow in the Lord, who takes the lead in his own faith, who is ready for the next stage in life, I don't want to offer my kids on the alter of making money, I want to stay home with any kids I have. So it was right that God had it end.

Yet after that relationship ended I went right into another relationship without really reconciling everything that has happened. I gave so much of myself to please another person. Then I thought that after meeting someone who loves the Lord that that meant that everything would fall into place. That I would somehow be where God would have me but the sin kept getting worse and worse and I hated it and myself and would find myself fearing to die, fearing to sleep, fearing to let go. I would eat to be able to sleep or I would not eat because I could control it. I am trusting God that He can heal me that He can give me victory over sin. I entrust with Him my future and I will do what I can to obey Him only by the power and working of the Holy Spirit. 

Finally after everything that has happened I was able to really mourn what I have lost. I hope to love without regrets and to focus on the Lord, so far it has been very cleansing

God help me to put to death the deeds of the flesh and to live by the Spirit because to live by the flesh is death but to live by the Spirit is life and peace. (From Romans 8)

Letter to my parents

 I wish you guys were still around. I wish mom you would tell me to toughen up. I wish I could hug you dad. I am still a little girl at times in need of your guidance. I know though God's leading and wisdom is better. I love you guys as the earthly parents He has provided. This year has been hard but God has been faithful. I fear the loss of freedom. I fear loneliness and isolation. I realize hard things that I have to do in my life to wage war against sin. I just wish you guys were here but just know that God has us in the palm of his hand and he will work out everything for our good.